Bar fight: pacifism verses standing up for oneself...

So I'm still reeling from the aftermath of a bar fight; not normally something I get involved in, first because I rarely drink in bars and second, because I rarely fight (I think I've been in a total of three physical fights in my life, if that,) but last night I found myself fighting with a guy three times my size after he sexually harrassed a friend.

I went for a drink at the bar last night because I'm trying to sort some things out in my head; I'm still reeling from tramatic events which lead me to move back to Upstate New York, then on top of that, I caused some drama for a dude I'd been seeing for several weeks since I've been back. So, please, don't feel sorry for me, I've been "making my own bed.." lately as they say, and I need to lie in it. Anyway, a combination of those things, plus getting a call from The Doctor, my ex in Portland, plus a bunch of whiskey shots left me feeling kind of emotionally frazzled, a feeling I've been feeling a lot lately.

When a big dude with a beard came into the bar and grabbed my friend's ass as he passed her, and she leaned over and whispered in my ear "who is he? what was that?" my anger started coming to the surface.

"What the fuck?" I said to the big man with the beard. "You think you can just grab some stranger's ass?"

"Yeah, I can..." the big guy said, "anyway I know her..."

"She doesn't know you..." I bristled back, "besides that doesn't give you the right to grab her..."

My friend stepped in around there and explained that she had been hiking once before with this guy, and we all introduced ourselves and tried to act civil towards each other. Holly and I went to play pool, but I kept glancing up to see the big guy with the beard raping us with his eyes. It was making me feel very uncomfortable. I'm getting really tired of living in a world where sexual violence, especially towards women, is just an excepted part of everyday life; a world where men really do think they have the right to grab anyone they want, whenever they want, and women just keep shrugging these behaviors off like they are no big deal. It made me sad the way my friend Holly just tried to be friendly with this guy after he so obviously made her uncomfortable; the same way I've seen some of my friends try to be friendly with the men who have raped them afterwards, because these men are relatives or friends of friends or whatever, so in order to keep the peace, women often learn to be nice to the very men who violate them. This isn't ok in my book.

Later, this same guy started saying some rude comments to me and Holly when we where out on the patio; so I hit him. I was tired of all this pacifism, this playing like we where all friends when he was so obviously waiting for one or both of us to get drunk enough for him to take advantage of us. I'm so sick and tired of men, women and children being abused with nobody to stand up for them; so I hit this beast of a man who was probably 350 lbs of muscle right in the face. He knocked me on the ground so I hit his knees and crotch. He picked me up yelling "what the fuck bitch?!" and threw me against a railing. He put one of his hands in my mouth and pulled at the inside of my cheek. I don't really remember what happened next, except he was yelling at me to leave, so crying and having a mini panic attack, I did. I left through the bar and went to the bathroom first; nobody in the bar seemed to notice that I was freaking out; I think I hide it well when I freak out.

Apparently, after I left, Holly stayed at the bar and continued to be sexually harrassed by this guy until a bouncer finally threw him out. I find it even more disturbing that this guy continued his behavior even after the fight; it seems like at that point any decient human being would stop to assess what had happened and wiether or not they'd been in the wrong; but this guy just continued to harrass and grab my friend.

Today, Holly lectured me about how horrible it was that I attacked this guy. Well, yes and no. While it is true that I was taking some of my anger out on him from various other siduations, I still don't feel the least bit sorry for attacking this guy; he was obviously an asshole who likes to treat women like shit. Nobody ever has the right to grab and touch someone else unless that person gives them the right, period. Holly told me that if I wanted to be the change I want to see in the world, we should concentrate on being nonviolent. I don't agree. I think it is time we started (especially women, who are constantly reminded to do whatever it takes to keep the peace,) to stand up for ourselves and our fellow sisters. If we don't, who will? Obviously most men don't have our backs (the bouncer didn't throw that idiot out of the bar until he'd repeatedly harrassed my friend and thrown me around a bit,) so we need to band together and take care of each other.

Love ya,
Carrot