I'm currently taking a course called Reflections on Community Involvement. This required curriculum class involves classroom discussion and examination of ethics and what makes up a good community and a well-lived life. The other part of the course requires 30 hours of community service, to be carefully recorded and drawn upon for the final paper. The requirement of this service (among many other parameters) is that we have to serve the same people on a regular basis. This is my record of these adventures...
Our instructor gave us a list of options to choose from, and I picked "mentoring a foster child." I figured, coming from a large family, I'm used to being around kids, and especially ones in foster care. (My aunt and uncle were foster parents for years before finally adopting four children in their care.) So, I signed on. I met with a couple ladies who gave me some information but primarily recorded information about what I like to do and who I'd like to work with. I said I'd be more comfortable with an older child (i.e. 10-14 years) but I would be OK with someone younger.
Well, I got my wish. Nikki is a 15-year-old girl. She has been in foster care at one time, but is now with family services because she has been truant. She is at a 3rd grade reading level, a sophomore-age level in math, and a gradient in between for other subjects. Her social worker told me that she was quiet when you first meet her, but she warms up eventually and is a really nice, fun girl. I followed her case worker to Nikki's house to meet her for the first time.
Her mother said that Nikki was hoping to be able to hang out today, and with that, we were getting in the car. I had only a tiny bit of information about her, and I was incredibly nervous. What if I said the wrong thing and upset her? What if I said something I shouldn't say? What if she doesn't like me and I have to start this whole process over again? What if she's mean? I needed to get to know her, but her silence wasn't doing much to help this problem. So, I started probing with questions.
Me: What do you like to do?
Nikki: Nothing...
Me: Oh, come on... You enjoy doing something...
Nikki: I like sleeping...
(*sigh* Fantastic... Sleeping... That helps with this event-planning business...)
Me: Do you like to watch movies?
Nikki: Ehh... sometimes.
Me: What kind of movies are your favorite?
Nikki: Scary ones.
Me: I like to watch really bad scary movies to make fun of them, but other than that, I like comedies, mostly.
Nikki: ...
( It's OK. She said she'd be quiet. It'll get better. This is gonna work. Where am I going? Ugh! I hate driving)
Me: So, do you like to watch TV?
Nikki: Meh...
Me: What are your favorite shows to watch?
Nikki: Whatever's on... I don't have a favorite...
She's not giving me anything. I think that maybe trying to ask more personal questions might help... Here I go...
Me: So, I hear you have a boyfriend...
Nikki: (*bashful smile*) Yeah...
Me: What's he like?
Nikki: I don't know...
Me: Ha! Is he CUUUUUTE?
Nikki: (*smiling*) Yeah...
Eventually, I tell her my plans: buying popsicles for this hot summer day. She doesn't seem thrilled, but I think I coulda told her we were meeting her favorite artist (who is Lil Wayne, an answer that took some MAJOR prodding to get... Seriously) and I'd have gotten the same response. So, we went to Kroger and got the good kind of popsicles - the kind with the bits of fruit in it. I asked if strawberry was OK - she didn't care. Of course. We took our popsicles to the park across the street and sat on a bench-swing in the shade. Little more came of this conversation...
Me: So, you like sleeping... TV and movies are OK... What else do you do with your time?
Nikki: Play the Wii and hang out with my boyfriend.
Me: I played the Wii once - that Olympics game and you half to move the controllers really fast in the races... Those games are exhausting! My arms hurt by the end of it. What games do you play on it?
Nikki: All kinds...
Me: What's your favorite one?
Nikki: I don't really play it enough to have a favorite.
( She is just not catching on to the fact that I just want a GLIMPSE into her life. Then it hits me - DUH! Different life - maybe she's used to self-conscious reservation. It's gotta be hard to tell your life story to someone you just met. I back down a little.)
We finish our popsicles and listen as some dude sings across the park. We laugh at his terrible rendition of anything musical, and start back across the street. I tell her that I know I'm asking her a lot of questions, and that she should feel free to ask me whatever she wants. We laugh at a guy petitioning for something and get back in the car. I was not prepared for activity TODAY, so I panic. I ask if she'd like to see campus, and she says yes, so we're off. We take the popsicles to my apartment and I change into shorts - jeans were a terrible idea. She meets my roommates and we set forth on our adventure. We're walking along in silence (well, almost silence... I keep making "Phew!" sounds because it was SO HOT today!) Out of the blue, without any prompting, a promising moment:
Nikki: (*sing-songedly*) Where are we going?
Me: I thought I'd take you to the art building. It's where I do most of my work, and I think it's the prettiest one on campus.
We walk along, and I show her the cool things to see in the building - tell her how my Typograpy instructor made us create giant letterforms by laying down on the floor of the grand lobby. I show her the forks and the other pieces still hanging in the building. She's never had an art class before. I don't know what to say to that. It's sad. Even if she doesn't like it, I think she should have at least been exposed to it. Gears are turning - I need a cool art project she can get into and actually enjoy... Still thinking...
On the way out of the building, she tells me she's been to all the other buildings on campus. She also says she's tired. And has a headache. I get the feeling that she's done with this for now. That's fine. I'm kind of getting burned out on asking questions to a walking brick-wall. I ask if she wants to hang out some more or go home, and she says she better head home. I take her home and we exchange numbers, agreeing to meet on Fridays - starting this week.
I am both excited and frustrated at today's events. I need to do some planning for Friday. Bowling? Maybe a movie? Dinner? Some crafty-thing that I haven't thought of yet? I wonder if she'd like to sit in on my sign language class? I'll ask on Friday when I see her. I am still a little unsure of how to deal with questions of school. She doesn't like it and doesn't see the value of an education. I'm trying to instill in her the importance of it, but I don't want to sound like I'm preaching. In time, I suppose... For now, I remain hopeful and intrigued. Things will turn out alright... all 28 more hours of them... (Not that I'm counting...)
Mentoring is awesome! I mentored a girl for 3 years, from age 15 to 18. Now she is emancipated from the system and is going to live with me! She is 19 now, and I need someone to rent a room.
She and I had little in common at first, she still thinks Im a total dork, a "white chick."
Don't get frustrated, your experience is actually very typical. You have to know that opening up is something that takes time for kids in the system. Remember why she is in foster care in the first place, its usually because of abuse, abandonment or neglect. That means that trusting people is hard, if not impossible. She doesn't know you, and she doesn't know how long you'll be around. She is used to people coming in and out of her life. Find out as much as you can from her social worker and teachers, if you are allowed to.
All I knew about my girl was that she was failing all classes except choir, and she liked to sing. I thought, "cool, I can take her to the performing arts center," nope. She only got excited when I got her tickets to see Daddy Yanky (I think that's his name) and Snoop Dog. She hated it if I took her to an upscale restaurant, even though she loved the food, she felt out of place. Shopping anywhere but the ghetto malls and swap meets made her uncomfortable too. I still did that stuff with her, to challenge her. Being uncomfortable isnt always bad. I even got her to try sushi once! she hated it, but she was a good sport.
Most experienced mentors will tell you that the kid rarely care swhat you do with them. they are not used to doing all kinds of stuff. She brightened when you mentioned boys, so did mine. That became the ice breaker, and really what our relationship became solid around. i helped her graduate, but never got her excited about school. Instead she called me when she needed relationship advice. i let her talk freely, and even took her to get condoms when she needed them. I am not saying you will do the same, or that this is what your girl needs, I am just pointing out that you should be prepared that your expectations will be challenged. What you think she needs, and what she thinks she needs are very different. Gaining trust is the most important thing. Once you do that, you will have power of influence. Until then, no amount of scholastic coaching will mean anything to her.
If you find her quiet, start talking about yourself. Just be natural and candid. Talk about boys, or girls, whatever. Talk about your adolescence, make fun of teachers, whatever. Get on her level. Just go somewhere and people watch, and ask her, "Is that guy cute?" you don't have to come up with all kinds of activities for her. If you open up first, she will more comfortable to do the same.
And again, Good for you!
"O, I'm sorry you took that, -I meant that for the Devil, and you have stepped in and taken the blow. Don't get between me and the Devil, brother, and the you won't get hurt." --Billy Hibbard