Men and women ARE different, and how we interact with the opposite sex is significant, and depicted about how we view our roles in society. I just had an interesting conversation with two 20-something women* about male/female dynamics in budding relationships. Laney's been married one year, Mona's been dating a guy for one month, and me, married for 5 years.
Mona is anxious to know if her relationship has reached exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend status, but isn't sure about how to find out. She's considering having a friend ask the guy, in a round-a-bout way. Laney advises to 'hold off' and let the guy take the initiative in that respect. Laney finds it best to wait for men to say 'I love you' first because ‘men like to do things like that’. She believes woman can be assertive without being dominant, and that not letting the man take the initiative is usurping his dominance. She says women can be assertive by ‘getting what they want’ without having to have a discussion. She has a girlfriend who's been wanting to say she loves her guy since a few months into their relationship, but has been waiting for 3 years for him to say it first, and therefore doesn't quite know where their relationship stands. I say, if you are in a relationship (where you desire longevity), ask questions flat out, clearly, and as they arise. I don’t see a place for poor communication and inhibition in a healthy adult relationship. I see finding a back-door way of talking about things with your partner so that he feels more like the 'direction-setter' as a form of playing games that everyone should avoid. I am a big believer and appreciator of feminine wiles, but I like to ‘get what I want’ by talking it out.
I'm sure part of my POV comes from my distaste for men who shy away from assertive women. Is being 'too domineering' a concern that women in fledgling relationships ?All men are different, as are situations and relationships. Most would agree that there are times when the woman should say 'I love you' first and such. But the true question is: Is there ANY circumstance where a woman who questions the status of her relationship should wait for the man to establish it before asking questions? Is she gonna 'run off' the potential love of her life? Should you ever stay silent from your partner when you have questions? Should you play 'harmless' covert games to find out what you need to know?
I feel like NOT asking questions as they arise is putting your life on hold. If he wants to be exclusive and so do you, fine; but if he doesn't, and you don’t find out, then you are going to turn down other dating opportunities. How's that fair?
*Names have been changed to protect Mai
Blogger: http://mrsmai.blogspot.com/
Wordpress: http://maiweblog.wordpress.com/
I think that if you are not sure and feel the need to be covert then maybe it really is too soon and not the right timing. If you are just being shy because you do not want to know or are afraid of the answer, its time to suck it up and ask so you know what the answers and feelings our.
I once asked, when I was unsure of how I even felt, if he ever felt like saying I love you to me... I don't know if I loved him but I know I felt like saying it.... He told me "very much", took me to the moon light said "I love you', then accidentally burned me and we danced under the stars with and icecube on my arm...we had a great couple of months after that.
So either way you really never know.
There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic.~- Anais Nin
I've always thought 'Well, I know i'm not crazy, nor do I think I'm unreasonable. So, if I have a question, it must be appropriate for the time." That's why I think you should bring up issues and questions as the arise. I also think that being this open may 'weed out' any immature, unsuitable suitors. Laney said that many guys aren't mature enough for a woman to be that 'dominate' (I dont really see it as being dominate but def assertive). When Mona and I BOTH said if the guy isn't that mature then we dont want to be bothered with him. Laney called me an idealist. (Which I've been called before about issues of America economics...) I dont totally buy into the premise that you can find a 'great guy' who would also have some sort of issue with you being so assertive... I think in that case you will have issues in certain aspects of the relationship. Could you possibly have to sleep with him every time you wanted to get your way? Now THAT'S marriage as prostitution. I do believe everything is in shades of gray and I dont want to be too polar about this issue, but I dont see how shrinking yourself in any capacity is wise. But then again, maybe I've never be willing to give up as much of maiself as other women.
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http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/mai
Peace & Blessings
I Love me some aggressive women myself. All the women I have ever loved have been tough and have said what they felt, I prefer that to women who don't trust their instinct enough to make noise when something is bothering them.
I find that the thinking of "there are ways to find out, without asking" breeds manipulation and miscommunication. Men are generally logical, or at least we like to think we are, so if he doesn't say "You're my girlfriend. I Love You. We're exclusive" then he either doesn't think you are or he can always claim he didn't think you were if he ever wanted to.
I think that all relationships are different. It seems your married friend doesn't want to ask a guy, she wants the guy to ask her. She waited, it worked for her. Your other friend should ask. Life is short, waiting around for someone else to decide your life is wasteful. If he's too shy, a sweet woman who lays her cards on the table will give him all the courage he needs to step up, he'll probably be relieved. If he's not planning on being serious, or if he is so threatened by the question that it overrides his love for you-- you need to let that go, it's a waste of time, and the faster you find out the better.
I often but heads with my wife, strong personality that she is, but I Love her. If we step on each other's toes now and then it's all worth it. People have to trust themselves in this world, but especially women. A woman should feel comfortable to ask when she feels the need to ask, to say no when she feels the need to say no, to let her feelings and her desires be known. There are some people who rush relationships, both men and women, but in a case like the three year undefined relationship- I'd have to say that's bullshit! In three years somebody should've said something. That's a long ass time to be waiting to know if you have a life partner or a fuck buddy.
Love-Health-AWARENESS-Wealth
Mjh
I def appreciate a male's pov on this. You've brought some new thoughts to the table, and I have to say I see your point and agree with you pretty much. However, I dont quite understand this:
I prefer that to women who don't trust their instinct enough to make noise when something is bothering them.
and I'd like to, so pls clarify. Also, in a relationship where longevity is in mind, you shouldn't always shy away from confrontation. This is still on topic of male/female dynamics though i'm not saying it specifically applies to the situation with the two ladies. Idk, I worry about couples that never have disagreements etc, cuz i wonder if something important comes to the forefront, what the commitment will be like. Will they just cut and run cuz they have no experience being at odds... idk but your description of your relationship made me think of that...
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http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/mai
Peace & Blessings
" I Love me some aggressive women myself. All the women I have ever loved have been tough and have said what they felt, I prefer that to women who don't trust their instinct enough to make noise when something is bothering them."
I prefer women who trust their instincts enough to say what they feel even if it is considered socially uncouth, to women who's instinct tells them to speak up but they decide not to in order to fit in on some level.
I think it is a dangerous thing that we have taught women that if they have something to say or something to ask that they should keep quiet and wait on someone else to take care of them. It's also a bad way to start a relationship for you to be in the habit of keeping things to yourself in order to appease your partner. I would feel extremely hurt to know that the woman I loved felt more comfortable telling her friends or strangers how she felt than me. How can you be in a relationship with someone and not really know them, and them not really be comfortable to tell you who they are and how they feel.
Love-Health-Awareness-Wealth
Mjh