Where do you go when home just isn't home?

Where do you go when being at home only causes stress and you dread every minute you walk through the door? How am I suppose to feel, when I never know what I am coming home too? I am a college freshman; however, I decided to live at home this semester! (WOW!) It's the first time I've lived with my mother in a long time because she dosen't care much about her kids. Its the first time in a long time for me that I realize my mother is dying everyday and not only because we all are dying. It is the first time, that I have really got on my knees and asked the Lord to keep me safe everyday and to watch and protect my mother. (I have been a Christian for a while now, but I've never really gotten on my knees to pray!)

When I get home from school, I always take a deep breath before I open the door, because I never know what I may find. All my stuff may be gone, my mother may be sitting on the couch high off crack with her eyes extremley big, or she may be dead. Whatever I walk into, I already excpect it! I walk in looking around making sure some one isn't in the house that wants to attack me, I walk in asking God to be with me, I walk in afraid I may find a dead mother, I walk in angry becuase my mom is sitting on the couch with her eyes big and smiling in my face like there is nothing wrong. I sometimes walk in angry, because i feel like i have such a good head on my shoulders and that God should have gave me a better family. I walk in angry because my mother has caused me so much pain and hurt, thats i've tried to kill my self several times, I've cut my body up to realive the pain and anger, I have been hospitalized, told I had depression, I am angry because my mother barley came to visit while I was in the hospital. I walk in angry bc I dont know what it feels like to be loved by a mother but I keep giving her a chance....

I walk in angry...because i dont know how to be happy:(