A lot of you may remember me mostly for one of two reasons. My ignorant yet passionate rants on religion or my blog on my autistic brother, my complete stranger. Unfortunately, I didn't have the ability to write on anything else so I wrote on those two since they in general attracted a lot of attention. I am glad that by now, I have a lot more to say. A lot has happened since then. I was really sheltered, innocent and narrow-minded. I didn't even realize that my blogs were fueled with anger (which I considered zeal) and well...what a perfect example of christianity huh?
Anyways, since I left I met an individual who was atheist. Beyond all that went against everything I believed in, he was so wrong, so different so...wordly and experienced and...bad. My definition of a bad guy. (Why is it that goody good girls are attracted to bad guys?) I fell for him. And every value I held...well its gone. This isn't regret. Its more self-evaluation of what I considered purity, or religion or life or anything else. In a way...ive stepped outside my perfect little oblivious bubble. And i DON"T know everthing.
I'm not as religious as I was. Sometimes I look at those who are religious and find that a lot of things are emotionally hyped and motivated. I have found myself praying in church but then leaving and cussing worse than a sailor when angry. What does that make me? A hypocrite? A true christian? No, because that means being christlike. Obviously I am still a sinner. What some consider God's presence is just the furrowing of the brow and singing as loud as possible while looking at the ceiling hoping, praying God can hear. I used to look at people and think "wow they are so christian." But now I see them and think thats who I was, trying to somehow break through. Was it real? Or is my view just perverted now? I am getting tired of it. What is real and what is not? Although I am not atheist...I have left standard christian beliefs and by my actions...im not truly saved. A scary thought. But my reasoning is...if I am going to be christian I want the real thing. Not the church game.
I am so disappointed by what we call the church game, and I am harder on myself for being Christian because that means living up to higher standards that is impossible to meet...they say God forgives and covers over sin...but what if you do the same thing over and over again? Knowing its wrong? What then? I go to church...but I gossip. Gossiping gets people out of church. You go to church, you smile at people and say "Hi, wow I like your outfit so cute" because they are only acquaintances and you have nothing to say...and some people you pretend you don't see because you don't think they like you and they stopped talking to you and you don't know why. And even when you are worshipping, you have thoughts like "wow what is she doing or what is he thinking, or is he/she here?" Its horrible. Thats when my attempt at connecting fails and I see how shallow I really am. I guess thats when in our weakness we see how imperfect we are and undeserving of God saving us. But I can't accept it. I feel less of a human being for being a hypocrite. I want all or nothing.
Its horrible the way we behave in church, because in the real world we act normal but when we go to church we put our costumes on. This is probably why most people left. I don't know. But not everything is black and white. Its easier when things are because you don't have to think for yourself. I am not doubting the existence of God. I never will, because it is ingrained in me. But I am just disappointed. I see where the road is leading...away from God...and I can't stop it. I continue to do that which i know I shouldn't. I guess religion has failed me. What I want is what preachers always talk about but I don't see. A true touch from God where the inside is changed. I want that. But is it real? Ive tried. I have a different view of church and religion. It doesn't solve all of your problems. You can't just tell people to pray a prayer and they are automatically not atheist. No. Its the heart. I just don't know. But to find God, perhaps it is best to step away from the church. Who knows.
Its just part-in-parcel with beliefing in things that are completely made up. On another note, I'm glad to see that you seem to have "unwound" a little. Its good to have you back.
TTFN,
Blackout
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A question of love.
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Check out Progressive PRIDE, a Gay-Straight Alliance for the Progressive U community.
I'm a bit confused. I mean, I went through the same thing as you, though in the opposite direction... I wasn't very religious before I met my guy, and he wasn't an atheist... now I'm more religious, just not in the same religion. You seem to still believe what you talked about before, you just act differently and thus think you're no longer 'saved'. So, have your ideas about religion really changed, or just your attitude towards it? The first is a change, the second can easily be changed back if you really want it like you seem you do.
~C
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One translation of 'repent' is 'look, then look again.'
There is no virtue in resisting a sin that has not tempted you.
If you think you can be right by your own power you have no need of God.
You seem to be growing. Try to have mercy on yourself as you go through it.
"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."
- William Shakespeare
...and again, and again, and again. Every time you look honestly, openly and critically for the existence of "god" and find nothing, it makes it that much easier to abandon the foolishly childish belief that some supernatural boogem is lurking around waiting to punish you for not behaving like an irrational, intolerant twit.
TTFN,
Blackout
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A question of love.
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Check out Progressive PRIDE, a Gay-Straight Alliance for the Progressive U community.
Ha! that's funny. Don't you just love being sarcastic about silly religious beliefs? Religious zealots are almost too easy to make fun of.
lol was that sarcasm right there wjph2624? I couldn't tell
Actually I was agreeing with blackout and thought that his statement describing religious beliefs as "foolishly childish belief that some supernatural boogem is lurking around waiting to punish you for not behaving like an irrational, intolerant twit." was very funny. I laughed out loud and anytime I laugh when reading a post I like to tell whoever wrote it that it was funny. I'm an agnostic and I try, unlike many of my fellow agnostics, to respect religious people. When I say "religious zealots" I mean people who think that Jesus would hate gay people and that anybody who doesn't except Christ is going to hell. I feel it is more important to be a good person and live a moral life than to "accept Christ." I presumed that blackout meant his harsh comment to apply to religious extremists, not the good religious folks. I'm sorry if my comment about religious zealots was offensive but it is not meant to be offensive to any good people.
I noticed you said its good to have me back and see me unwind. Well I can't remember you i wish i did. hm. i guess its safe to say i probably bashed you in one of those arguments lol. Here is the deal.
"some supernatural boogem is lurking around waiting to punish you for not behaving like an irrational, intolerant twit. "
AS for an angry God...I believe thats purely a projection. I think a lot of peoples relationship with God depends on how they view him. And how they view depends on their past experiences and what they have done/feel. In psychology, neofreudian theory used projection tests for example where they would show a random picture and have the person explain the story. The picture never had a story. So whether the story turned out to be a horror, or an agry faily scenario or kind and loving and a fairytale depnded on who the person was becase when you project you look within yourself to bring out the story. Thats the same with God. Maybe he's not really angry. People view him as fearful and powerful some see him as loving and merciful some as friend some as father. He is all of those things. But if he is so angry that you have pushed yourself away from him...could it be that you didn't get the chance to know him, made the assumption because this and this people are angry or maybe even sin in your life has subconsciously made you assume that he is angry and you don't want, you can't let yourself accept his existence. Could it be that you read about things in the Bible that angered you and caused you to see everythingin a different light. Freud said, that is a faulty theory. When you go into an investigation looking with a predetermined mindset/theory...the evidence that you get to support your "angry god theory" will always back up your theory. Thats not accurate. Often times I see God as angry because I feel I have failed and I push myself away because i don't want to leave sin inmy life and i know that displeases him. I picture him that way. So, its not so much a fact as it is a mindset.
I noticed you said its good to have me back and see me unwind. Well I can't remember you i wish i did. hm. i guess its safe to say i probably bashed you in one of those arguments lol.
If you follow this link, I think you might remember me. O:)
TTFN,
Blackout
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A question of love.
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Check out Progressive PRIDE, a Gay-Straight Alliance for the Progressive U community.
As for "for not behaving like an irrational, intolerant twit."
I think the ten commadnments are pretty rational. They show how to live. THe book of deuteronomy has a lot of laws and rules that talk about washing your hands (sanitation), what foods to eat (which are healthy and not healthy), when to throw food away etc. Its to help people live, especially since they didn't know as much then as we do now. Even morally, it offers good examples and parables. So I can't say its irarational. It offers a standard of high living that we should all aim for.
Its just that you seem to have stereotypical generalizations that are blunt and simply general assumptions about an entire population. MAny of today's intellectuals would sy to make assumptions, generalizations based on entire group,race, etc is ignorance. I am not insultingi n any way. I do it myself all the time. Just saying...
I would suggest that there some of those commandments are less "rational" than others. Taboos against lying, cheating, stealing and killing are all well and good (and commonly found in extra-biblical moral systems, both pre-and-post dating the biblical references). But some of the other commandments are on less stable footing, such as the taboos against other religions, graven images and of "taking the LORD's name in vain" are tightly bound, culturally specific prohibitions that have little to no rational basis, and even less relevance to those who do not practice the religions which proscribe those restrictions.
As for the book of deuteronomy, I would suggest that for every rational pronouncement that you can find, one can also locate an equally irrational one. For example, this book tells its followers not to shave their eyebrows (14:1), gives rules for animal sacrifices (17:1), says that it is "sinful" for women to wear pants (22:5), prohibits people who have been castrated from going to church (23:1), says that it is okay to murder every man, woman and even the children of your enemies (2:33-36, 3:3-6, 7:2, 20:16...there are a lot more of these), commands that the followers of other religions should be killed (17:2-7), says that it is okay to take slaves (20:10-11), says that the victims of rape should be killed (22:23-24), and curses anyone who questions these rediculous pronoucements (27:26). I mean, it really does just go on and on (and on and on). The bible is literally FILLED with this kind of crazy shit. True, there are pronouncements here and there that, when taken out of the context of the larger books in which they are found don't sound so bad. But when you refrain from cherry-picking the overall picture is one of unrestrained madness.
TTFN,
Blackout
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A question of love.
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Check out Progressive PRIDE, a Gay-Straight Alliance for the Progressive U community.
"...behaving like an irrational, intolerant twit."
It becomes more clear why YOU feel so free to indulge yourself as you do.
"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
- George Bernard Shaw
im confused. how do i indulge myself
He wasn't talking to you. He was talking to Blackout.
~C
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I understand your struggles...sometimes, it's difficult to go to church and ask forgiveness when I know I'm just going to screw up again. But when you fall again and again, remember Christ on His way to Calvary...He fell three times. Each time, He got back up and kept going because this was what He had to do. Similarly, we will fall, but we need to remember that God's not above us mocking us and demanding from us...He's above us ready to give us a hand to help us stand up. While you're struggling, ask God for grace. In the Bible, Christ told a man that he would be saved by faith...the man cried "I believe! Help my unbelief!" We are imperfect and we don't understand everything, so we will not believe perfectly...but ask for grace in your unbelief.
Also, remember that your faith is between you and God...it's not between you and your hypocritical neighbor. ;)
RESPECT LIFE
SMILE EVERY DAY
"It is poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish."
~Mother Teresa
Welcome back to blogging :)
I have found myself praying in church but then leaving and cussing worse than a sailor when angry. What does that make me? A hypocrite? A true christian?
As you already know - I am not Christian. The religion doesn't suit me, doesn't answer my questions, and in many ways doesn't even make sense. One of my problems with the religion was how very judgmental its members can be. I mean, who defines what a devout Christian is? And I've met many people that will accuse someone of being a "bad Christian" for doing many of the same things that you described here. I don't think it makes you a bad person or even a bad Christian. I may be out of line - but you know me - I don't care about the lines. What this makes you, if anything, is not being the perfect human being. But guess what? There is no such thing as a perfect human being... ;)
I think a lot of people seem to forget about what being a Christian is supposed to be about. It's not supposed to be "being" innately Christ-like - it's supposed to be about striving to be Christ-like. To do your best to live in a Christ-like manner. For some people, their best just isn't that great. I don't think it makes them bad Christians or even bad people...
As for the rest, I think it's great that you're beginning to question your faith. Not that I think that no one should be Christian, and I'm certainly not saying that every Christian should convert. But it's through questions that we really begin to learn. And once you've answered your questions you'll find that your faith - with whatever belief system you choose - is much stronger because it will be founded on knowledge.
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"when you have nothing else to say, "Fwonk" is always the perfect thing."
"yeah well, fwonk"
--Devon
Fanaile Essence
well said Fanaile :)