23 lbs later… long road to happiness

It has been awhile everyone!!! I have missed this site a lot but have been so busy that I haven’t been able to get on and blog and comment like I should. I hope everyone who knows me missed me . Well where to start where to start…well I’m finally in a new house 10 minutes from my old one. It hasn’t hit me quite yet that I will never be going back to my childhood house that I lived in for 14 years. It was hard to walk into the house one last time and see it empty uninhabited..it almost broke my heart to realize I was leaving my old life behind even my mom. But like in my last blog this is a new chapter and at first it was bad but now it is wonderful.

First off before my ex and I broke up I started to lose weight because I knew I didn’t want to stay with him. I actually started losing the weight to attract guys but then realized I should be doing it for myself. I have lost 23 lbs now. It is amazing, I feel a lot better and looking back at those pictures I saw a scared, overweight mess. I am still scared that I am going to get the shit beat out of me, but therapy is not for me. My ex did contact me, called my friend that I was not allowed to talk to while we were dating a spic because I am now friends with her again…and asked how I was doing and if I had a boyfriend. I decided to block him. I found his picture today and ripped it up. It felt so good to have power because I was so powerless before.

I turned to sex as a “patch” to fill in the emptiness that my ex had created. I just wanted someone to hold me, I just wanted someone to care, and I just wanted someone to look into my eyes like I meant everything to them. I was looking in all the wrong places only to find just that: empty meaningless sex.

I remember sitting on this guys floor crying while he was sleeping wondering why I was so numb, wondering why I didn’t care, wondering how could I have turned out this way, and calling myself a whore. He asked what was wrong and all I told him was “I’m a whore.” Even though 3 people could hardly classify me as a whore. I didn’t really feel like a whore until I walked home 20 miles or more. I hadn’t eaten in 3 days and I had only had a couple sips of some kind of orange drink. I was running on empty. I walked about 15 miles or more almost having nearly 3 or 4 asthma attacks on the way. Then it started to rain. I was cussing myself calling myself stupid and a whore. I prayed to god when my legs were about to give out, to please just kill me or let my legs keep going. I am a strong person and I would have crawled my ass the last 10 miles if I had to, but finally a woman offered me a ride. I don’t like asking people to do things for me nor do I like to have someone go out of their way for me but when she asked I said “please please can you thank you so much.”
I then had a “boyfriend” for about 4 or 5 days who lived almost 2 hours away. I spent the day with him made another mistake…now I’m at 4 people. I figured it was safe because I was his “girlfriend” but when I went back home he broke up with me. I knew this was going to happen when I stayed the night at his god mother’s house. I get these feelings and they are normally always correct.

Lets fast forward to now the happiest I have been ever in my life. We are finally in the new house. I meet an amazing guy that I am madly in love with and I have a lot of friends. Them not hanging out with me is still a factor, but I am sure that will get better. I never thought I would feel this kind of love for anyone in my life. I just hope everything stays good in my life. I figured I would write this to let you all know what has gone on. Lucky you if you read this far!!!