As I sit here in my bed, I think of you and how sad I will be when you are gone. I dont know the date, time nor place that I will hold you funeral at....but I promise that it will be nice. Tommorrow I will call around and start making arrangement and go ahead and pick out flowers. I'll also go ahead and write your obituary; however, I'll leave the time and date blank. Since it seems like you will be dying from your "crack" habit...I already know what to say. I will make it sound good because I know how much of a front you put on for everyone to make it seem like your such a good person and a mother, but you have 4 kids and none of them live with you. You have only bought your children a Christmas present maybe three times out the whole time we've been alive. You aren't helping with college and your not even working. But I won't include any of that because I know everyone thinks you have a job working at the hospital full time and you take care of your four children. I understand that you are ashamed because you got fired because of failing a random drug test!
I can't wait to see how many of your "true friends" will show up. The one's that you smoke crack with, the one's that you will rather feed then your own children and the one you always pick to spend time with. How do you think your children feel when they come to visit and you say... "Well I am going over .......... house!" You see them everyday, you see us maybe once a month....some of us once a year!
If I feel up to it I'll say a speech for you. Your probley wondering where all this is coming from, but think really hard!!! I am talking about the crack! I know more about you then you think. I havent forgot the times when I was in 2nd grade and you had me hide your crack in my closet so your boyfriend wouldn't find it. I remember all the times you beat me for no reason just becaue you were high! Your habit has got worse lately and you really need help!
I am not writing you to condem you or to judge you but I am here to try and help you. You call your kids and the people who do the most for you... "B***ches and motherf***ers, but I bet your family and your children will be the first one's at your funeral. I can't wait to see how many of your "crack" friends will show up! i'll make sure they get to carry the flowers out and all of them that want to speak get to. i won't judge them because that's the lord's job but remeber you will also be judged. I dont think burning in hell for eterinty will be very fun.
i love you, but i can't take it anymore!!
H
Thanks for posting this, substance abuse is still such a taboo topic to talk about, but the more talking we do people begin to realize how many people this is really effecting, stay strong, u are a positive moving force in helping this issue
peace blessings light
mai
Thank you for posting this...
I am glad to see you came back to ProU. I remember chatting with you when the contest started.
I like this blog for a lot of reasons, but the main one is that you let yourself get angry. That is so important. Being afraid of anger is one of the things that keeps people who have been hurt and abused from healing.
You have every right to be angry. Putting things in perspective, and understanding how sick your mother is is very important. I am not suggesting that you lash out at her, but if you happen to, oh well, she can take it.
It's about honoring yourself and recognizing how wrongly you were treated. It's about understanding that you didn't deserve any of this. Maybe one day your mother will be sorry and will understand her mistakes. Until then, be f*cking angry.
I get angry at this crap because I hold my daughter and if for one second I think about how many children are hurt and abused, I can't control myself, and I have to push it out of my mind. I will never understand how much like animals people can be or how anyone could intentionally hurt a child.
Your mother is sick. She is a drug addict. A lot of stuff in the world will tell you it's not her fault, she has a disease. That is true to a degree, but the fact is she had children and didn't bother to wake up for the event. I am sorry, but until she even remotely tries to wake up, she is a piece of shit. I am sorry for disrespecting your mother, and I hope you do not take offense to that, it is just how I feel.
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude
It's like your more Angry with your mum, then upset. Your mother (sounds like) Has been doing this for a while? And drugs and seriously affect you physicaly from the first time, Maybe your mum wasn't supposed to hurt you, and your family, Maybe she can't help but to feel like she needs it more then her family? I feel 'Sad' for you, i honestly do, but when people say 'your mums a Prick' I strongly disagree, I believe that maybe in her, she's nice and loving, If your mum werent to be addicted to drugs, she'd care more maybe.
It's true, your mum has to stop, and calm down with the drugs, then again, the chances in that would make her worse, and it'll be umbareable for her, Crack is a strong drug, and if she has taken it constantly, she becomes attached, and the only way out, is getting HELP by a phycyatrist. (haha can't spell)
I'm no expert, as im still only 15, but when turtlesuds said ''still be fucking angry'' i still disagree, Don't be angry, Because to be honest, that is a waste of time, and being angry at your mum isn't going to solve the problem. You should UNDERSTAND, i know that could be hard, but try? She (you never know) Can change one day? And to then, Don't think about being angry, i think you should calm about it? Maybe speak to her about it? Because if she doesn't know how you feel towards it, she wont change?
Anyway
best of luck.
a person goes through a process similar to grieving the death of a loved one. The difference is they are grieving for their own loss, their own death. They are grieving for that part of themselves that was damaged or even destroyed by the abuse.
All grieving entails 5 steps. They are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
Acceptance is the ultimate and final part of the process. To get there one must go through the others.
Being angry is not the same thing as hurting the person, or even lashing out. It is acknowledging that you were hurt. Without a healthy dose of anger, children who have been abused grow up to be perpetual victims, taking the blame on themselves instead of putting it on the abuser.
I am not asking cassbrew to remain angry for the rest of her life, or to never try to understand. i am telling her that the anger she expressed here is healthy. All the better because she is using ProU to do that, instead of engaging in already lost battles with her mother that will not resolve anything for her until and unless her mother starts to care.
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude