I have been studying in a convent named St Francis for the past three years. During my first day, the moment I stepped inside the campus, I knew it in my hearts of hearts that the time ahead is going to be eventful, whether I like it or not. Whether I want it or not. And most of all, whether Iam ready for it not. I can say for sure that I was absolutely unhappy that day. I had tears in my eyes and I could have done anything or given anything to get away from there. Well, that was because I had planned on going to some other school and things didn’t work out that way. And St Francis, though the best school in the city, was the only one with its doors open to me.
That was in the year 2006. And Iam going to be leaving this institution this April. I admit it’ll be bittersweet. I had good and bad times. The good times were really crazy and the bad ones, I shudder to even think about them. Sometimes you don’t get what you want, you get better than that. Even though it hurts my pride, I can say that Iam glad I got in here rather than the one I hoped for.
In my first year I was with these groups of girls, that were boisterous and way to out of my normal standards. Not that Iam the coy kind of girl But they were the kind of loud gang that could give you an earache. And I really felt out of place. So like any other intelligent person on the face of this earth (Thank you!) I decided to walk out and form another group. I didn’t tell them why Iam walking out, which I agree was a big mistake on my part. But at that time (it still does) the reason felt so trivial and stupid, that I decided not to justify myself.
Sadly, they never got over it. And whenever our paths have crossed, most of them have been horrendous. They aren’t bad people but their actions infuriate me. I ain’t the angry-punch-in-the face kind of girl. I try to take everything in, as long as I can avoid any sort of disturbance or violence. So every time things went wrong, I forgave them or put a cold blanket over it. And we just pretended that there was nothing ever wrong in the first place. Bad move, very bad!
My friend (who had bad experience with them too) and I were just talking out stuff today. I was so appalled as to what their problem is. “Either Iam intimidating, pathetic or don’t deserve them in my life.” I was so peeved at that time. It felt like I have this constant pain and just couldn’t get rid of it. She just said four words and I literally wanted to break down and bawl in front of her and the rest of the girls around us. Not to mention, make fool myself too.
She said,” It is not you.” The past one week had been really tough. I had crazy mood swings. Iam a spiritual person, so I have been praying ceaselessly. But those four words were just what I wanted to hear. Don’t you have those moments, when you are in this turmoil and somebody says something that hits the bull’s eye. And you go like, “Just what I wanted to hear.” And of course, all the tension just drained out of me.
“Life ain’t easy”, have heard this one zillion times. But most importantly, what you get and what you want are entirely different things for their own reasons. How can others be so intimidating? How can they affect your life so much and give you sleepless nights (I wasn’t really sleepless though)? I mean it’s my life and why do their actions affect my mind set. Like, the other day, I was over at my friends place. We were just entering her house and this tiny little girl, with braids flying in all possible directions, came running towards me, gave me a tight hug and smiled up at me. Not that I knew who she was, but the love I felt from her was so overwhelming. I wish at times, if only I could remain a little girl all my life. Life is so much simpler then. Nobody hates you. Everyday is fun. The only threat or stress in life is school. But then little girls don’t go on dates and don’t have Prince Charming sweeping them off their feet,ha!
