so today was an interesting day

so today was an interesting day. i have come to many conclutions. how i have i dont know, somewhere between being stranded in the cold rain and painting in my room with only my ipod songs playing i have realized a few things, one, that it is particularly hard to type with new nails =]

another. does anyone ever truly "get over" someone else without a little bit of assistance i mean? think about it, has there ever been a time in your life when you didnt have some sort of feeling or interest in someone else? i cant think of a single time in my life, at least after the fact that i first started to notice guys, which was like kindergarten. when you realize that its hopeless with one guy, you are slighly crushed, still having this optimistic view about him, but do you ever really get over him? ive come to realize that the only reason i get over people is because im too distracted by someone else to really think about that other guy. when one leaves, theres always someone else to take his place in my head, in my thoughts, and in my heart. as sad and corney as that my sound. so is that how it really works i mean? so no matter what, everyone is just a rebound guy, a distraction, using one to get over another until you end up getting stuck to the distraction adn you need another distraction to get over the distraction. interesting how that works. i dont know how it is for other people, if "convenient" relationships are better, but i dont like the idea of that. that other person, is being lied to, slightly led to believe that that person cares more than they really do. just an innocent bistandard to someone elses fears or unwillingness to deal with current feelings. so then soon, that innocent bistandard becomes the new, old girl. and the feeligns for the old girl soon diminishes. talk about an easy way out. but why am i talking, i myself have had distractions, led on an innocent bistandard, and began to convince myself of things i didnt feel. weither i agree with it or not, its what happens, its whats happening, and theres no way around it. i just wish that the truth wasnt so hard to figure out. why would someone lie to your face, and then go back and tell your best friend the complete opposite, knowing that it would get back to you at the same exact time? why? why? why? thats what hurts. the fact that people believe that lying will make things easier, easier to move on, so they can move on, when its obvious that they have in some shape or form, when in reality the lies are digging you in deeper into a whole that theyve created for themselves. when the lies just become so customed that they begin to become the truth. thats the pity in this story ladies and gentlemen. the best part of believe is the lie. no, maybe the pity in this story is for the innocent bistandard? or maybe its for that poor girl, who no matter how hard she tired to convince herself other wise, repeating every bad thing that that person is, was, replaying every horrible word said. how that girl tried with all of her might to hate him, because being angry is easier, yet another easy way out, but in reality she hated how she didnt hate him. is that the pity in this story. or maybe its the boy, the "other" in this story that is the pity. where hes created this situation for himself, been telling each person something different, constantly contradicting himself, and has been too worried about "distracting" himself with teh new innocent bistandard that he has ignored something good in front of him. maybe the pity is that hes not giving that good another shot.

or maybe, everyone is at fault here, because they chose the easy way out.

i dont have another distraction, and i honestly dont want one. no matter how hopeless, stupid, iggnorant, arrogant, naive, it may be, my feelings are what they are. and i am optomistic still, yes, stupid stupid me.

i am setting myself up for disaster and i know it. but maybe thats the risk im willing to take.

damn. stupid stupid me.