Bostonian Union for the Education of All Politicians.

For those of you who don't know what satire means, it is the use of humor to make fun of something in hopes that it will change. Some of this is, indeed, satire. Other parts I'm being completely serious about. My language is not completely formal, either. Just a warning for those of you expecting a normal presidential speech.

The first issue I would like to discuss is privacy. The Constitution of America was framed on individual liberty, states' rights, legal equality, etc. In short, for those of you all "LOL TL;DR", people need to mind their own business. On everything. If the actions of one person in their own lives hurt no one, it's no one else's business what they do. This applies to sex, abortions, relationships, drug use, and everyday life.

Some fundamental Constitutional rights are being violated by our current policies. Most glaring is the Patriot Act. The USA PATRIOT Act ("Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act") of 2001 allows the government to spy on citizens suspected of being terrorists, often without legitimate proof. It frequently leads to people being detained in detention camps like the one in Guantanamo Bay without the writs of habeas corpus or the provisions of the Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, or Eighth Amendments, which provide the necessary components of the American court system. Though a lot of them there are indeed POWs, there is a good handful there who were seized American citizens obtained through the Patriot Act, without the access to any Constitutional rights, especially the Fourth through Eighth.

Some surveillance can be good, don't get me wrong. However, due process is required for it. And don't even try to give me the "Necessary and proper" clause excuse. It means, as it clearly states, necessary and proper; of immediate importance and still Constitutional! It does NOT, however, mean "convenient and useful." Invasive acts like this need to be repealed, which I will do everything within my power to do, if elected.

But let's not dwell on the Patriot Act forever, as much as I despise the bloody document. There are other issues which should be addressed, amirite?

I bet a lot of you are worried about the economy. And I assure you, almost everyone is. You are not alone. My own savings account for college is currently being depleted by the stocks crashing. The economy is currently in a dreadful state, and for a number of reasons that are in our power to fix, if we try to do something.

Firstly, businesses are being too restricted. Businesses need some regulation, of course-- I like the Meat Inspection Act and whatnot-- but if the businesses are too restricted, sufficient money will not be flowing through the economy. It's the flow of money that keeps the economy going strong.

Secondly, the Bailout Bill needs to be repealed. The passed Bill, which provides for 700 billion dollars, plus another $25 billion for the Detroit auto industries. That's $725 billion for these companies, all coming from the taxpayers' pockets. Considering that our national debt is higher than it ever has been, I see no way the government can successfully pull this off, even if it would work. What concerns me most about it is that Section 8 of the Bill allows that "Decisions by the Secretary [of the Treasury] pursuant to the authority of this act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed in any court of law or any administrative agency."

Did you guys get that? The Secretary of Treasury has absolute, unreviewable authority with regards to the tax dollars they squander on the bailout. I don't care if my Secretary of Treasury is Mohandas Gandhi or Henry Paulson-- I don't want anyone in my government to have that kind of power. It's un-American to give any politician that kind of power, not to mention unconstitutional. What ever happened to checks and balances? It looks to me like it's being defenestrated completely.

But I suppose you've heard enough of my economic rambling. Now I'll move on to address the social issues that are becoming ever prevalent. The Civil Rights issue of this day and age is obviously that of homosexual marriage. I don't even think it should be a government issue. The First Amendment allows for no government restriction on religion in any way. Some religions or religious leaders are simply not comfortable marrying a gay couple, just as they are marrying a secular couple. And that's their constitutional right. However, under the Full Faith and Credit Clause of the Constitution, all states need to recognize each other's civil documents as valid and credible. So of course, the same legal rights like visitation and such, should be available to any couple in the form of a Civil Union. This can also be an option for a heterosexual couple which wishes to have a secular union. Because in the end, a good portion of marriage is about money.

Perhaps I sound bigoted. I assure you, I'm not. I have plenty of friends who are gay or bisexual. In fact, I am a bisexual myself. I would personally settle for a civil union and a private party no matter which sex I settle down with. This is my attempt to make a fair compromise for everyone, and I truly think it will work. Everyone gets their rights, problem solved. Don't like it? We can just as easily remove marriage entirely and instate Civil Unions for everyone. But I don't think we want that, do we?

It is for these reasons and many more that I think I would be an excellent choice for President of the United States. I favor individual liberty and compromise as the best domestic policy.Citizens like you deserve every right given to you by the Constitution, and I will not only allow, but encourage them to be put to good use.