Right. Let´s talk about the environment. What a mess! Global warming is killing us all. And the polar bears! Don´t even get me started on those poor polar bears... Actually, you know what? Polar bears are boring. Let´s talk about something really cool. Like money.
So money. We really should all try to be a little greener. Like money. Never mind the environment, invest in the gun companies, and the bottled water companies. That´s the stuff that´s going to start paying off. I mean, when the icecaps have all melted and mixed all that fresh water with the salt water in the ocean and the heat has evaporated all the other fresh water and mixed it with the toxic waste we call the atmosphere, drinking water is going to cost a pretty penny, and you´ll be in on it! And, if there is any just, like, sitting out in the wild, all those people who weren´t smart enough to invest like you did and are dying of thirst, they´ll all be fighting over it! You could get in on that too. Guns will start selling like hot cakes, or, as will most likely be the common phrase in the future, water. You will be rich. Filthy, filthy rich. You´ll be able to buy anything you want: a yacht, a bar, a summer house in Florida...
Oh, wait. If nobody does anything about global warming... Shoot, Florida´ll be under water, won´t it? At least, all the beach houses will. And those hurricanes! They, like, breed in warm water. You´re poor yacht just wouldn´t stand a chance. So what are you going to do with all that money?
Invest again! That´s the perfect solution. How about in real estate? Everyone knows real estate is a lucrative market. It´s not like televisions where you can only get money for one at a time. With real estate, every time one house is sold, another one has to be sold as well. Excellent. Now, which market to invest in? Florida? No, no, we talked about that already. Hurricanes are not a big house seller. How about...Kansas? No, that´s no good either. No trees, high temperatures. First, nothing´ll grow (sort of takes away from the picturesque prarie so many prospective homeowners are looking for), and second, it´ll be like another dust bowl. Eeew. New York? Nope, underwater. That sort of eliminates the entire east coast. And probably the west coast too. Shoot, there goes California and Washington. And Hawaii! Looks like the real estate market is out guys. Think about it. There´s nowhere to sell new homes and all the people already living there´ll be trying to flee and you´ll have a bajillion sellers and no buyers. That´s no good. But you still need something to do with all that money. Hmmmmm...
Got it! No worries pal, I´ve got your back. A tour! The Carribean´ll be under water and all the countries in Asia and Africa will be locked in a struggle to the death over a couple square feet of fresh water and those obnoxious, self-righteous Europeans will all be busy saying "I told you so", but hey! How about one of those picturesque train trips accross Alaska. See the beautiful landscape and the sunrises and the Aurora Borealis. Maybe you´ll even get to take a picture of a polar bear. Or maybe not. I forgot, since their habitat will have been totally destroyed, they´ll all be extinct. Darn it all, I was hoping to avoid talking about polar bears. It´s so sentimental. But really, what is the point of a picturesque Alaskan train adventure if you don´t even get to see a polar bear? And there´ll probably be too much smog in the sky to see the Northern Lights either. Well, that´s out then. What shall we invest in next?
Medicine. That´s really brilliant. Think of the manic rush there will be into research and innovations in lung transplants. What´s in that nasty looking stuff the smokestacks spew into the air? Carbon monoxide, toxic wate, I´m not a chemist, but it all sounds pretty gross. As we continue pumping the equivalent of second-hand smoke into the air, and, thus, into our lungs, lung cancer is going to increase by, like, 27.8%. Okay, I made that number up, but it´ll be a lot. And all those dying people are going to want new lungs and there just won´t be enough to go around. And your money will be able to help them out. You generous son-of-a-gun you. And I bet that they´ll be willing to pay through the nose! Ha!
Guns, bottled water, lungs. You´ll be rolling in dough. Good for you! That´s the American way: make the best out of a bad situation. Kudos.
