How's This for a Math Equation? : Day 30

17 hours a day.

7 days a week.

52 weeks a year.

114 hours a week.

5, 928 hours a year.

$150 a day.

$21, 360 a year.

What do all these numbers represent?

The luxurious life of.....LIVING WITH AN EATING DISORDER!!!

The hours represent the amount of time spent thinking about Ed, strategizing, counting calories, etc.

The money represents the cost of binge foods, gym memberships, therapy sessions, laxatives, diet pills, etc.

When we learned all this information in group today, I was like "Motherfucker. I knew this was time-consuming, but jeez louise!" Well, I didn't actually think the expression "jeez louise." I'm far too gangster for that. But it really made me think about how this disorder has affected not only my mental health, but how much it has consumed my every waking moment with obsessive thoughts.

I had an individual session with my therapist today in which she gave me some advice.

"Take the next semester off."

She usually doesn't give me a definitive answer to questions I have. Her method is to "guide" me to the answer myself. The fact that she felt so strongly about this really made me consider it. I've heard from multiple people that when you're in the early stages of your recovery, going back to school or work right away is NOT a good idea. It's too much stress, too much pressure, and it can be a huge trigger that causes relapse. Plus I got an email from my Poli Sci professor today that mentioned a 5-page paper. No, thank you.

I think that just because certain things are right for my parents doesn't mean they're right for me. I'm sick of being the good girl, the doting daughter, the one who always follows the rules and "does the right thing." Fuck that. I'm SICK of putting others before myself. No one knows what it's like to live my life every day except ME. I have to wake up as myself every morning and go through the day as me, so why spend that time trying to please everyone else? Why don't my needs matter? Why can't I have an opinion?

I've been so scared of confrontation and of feeling anger and frustration and of expressing my opinions to others. I need to work on that. But the thought of confronting anyone--especially face-to-face--literally puts me into an anxiety attack.

Speaking of anxiety, the thought of taking a semester off from school freaked me out at first. Made me feel like a failure. But now I don't have that thought. School will ALWAYS be there. And of course I'm going to go back. I mean, I got 2nd place in the 5th grade spelling bee. Those are not the credentials of a slacker.

I'm not CERTAIN I'm not going back next semester. I have a lot to think about. I'm so indecisive about so many things. I know my parents will be pissed. But honestly, that is the least of my concerns at this point. They're so ignorant and clueless about my disorder that I feel that they're actually more of a trigger to me than a help.

Laura and I went to the gym today. And she confessed to me "I brought two dollars to buy a pop!" And I was like "Oh, my god! I WANT ONE SO BAD!!" And then we laughed an evil, bad-girl laugh. Heh heh. We couldn't go to the gas station we went to yesterday because it was so far away, and we were too scared to buy anything from the gym (yes, they sell it there...along with beer? Confusing) because we were scared the guy knew we were from HG and that he wasn't supposed to sell us anything. We decided we'd stop at the 7-11 close to the house and BUY AND CHUG!, but we found a mini-mart by the freeway entrance and picked up some Dr. Diet Peppers.

Ah, the life of a felon.

Today, we did a new thing after lunch and did a "check in", which, in addition to answering the "What was your intention for the meal?" questions, we had an in-depth discussion about our feelings. Oh, god. Laurie asked us what we were feeling, if we'd had any urges, or if we'd done any behaviors and if we wanted to confess.

I started getting really nervous and anxious and thinking "Oh, god!! Laura better keep her mouth shut!!" Thank goodness she didn't say anything. I should've known. We're homegirls. We're ti-ght.

A new girl came today. Usually we find out about a new person a couple days in advance, but in group today, Maira said "You're getting a new person. At 2:30 today." We were all like "SAY WHAT???" She just decided this morning that she was gonna come. She didn't arrive till 7:30, and let's just say she was not what I expected. In every single way. I sense a lot of tension a-loomin'. Oh well. I guess it will just provide me with more opportunities for confrontation.

I meet with the dietitian tomorrow and have yet to do my pancake challenge. I'm doing it tomorrow morning, though (fingers crossed!) and Aimee and Nicola enthusiastically agreed to do it with me. I love those girls.

I got to drive Carmen today!! We had to take two cars to therapy and so Carmen was definitely in demand. It felt so good to be free again. Britney was in my CD player, my sunroof was open. Life was very, very good at that moment.

I can't believe it's my 30th day here. I don't know if I should've counted the day I arrived as Day 1, since tomorrow is my last "official" day, and it will be day 31. Oh well, another day certainly can't hurt.

Partial freedom, baby!! 2 days!!!

Dear Lord.

I hope I'm ready.

HOPE being the operative word.