Pressure

I know what I need to do. I know what I need to do and how to do it. I know the how, the when, the why. But I need the will.

I know I need to study for my upcoming-third-time-in-a-row SAT test in June, but I find my mind wandering and my will to do it slipping faster and faster between my fingers. . . then I give up. I organize my events, and unfortunately they fit like puzzle pieces granting me no room for a break.

"I'm a junior in high school," I say to myself. "This is the most important year of my high school career." How many times have I had to remind myself. . . How many times have I had to envision my goal so I can again and again re-motivate myself. Answer? Too many.

The truth is. . I'm tired. I'm barren and thoughtless. I can't find the allusions or the symbolisms in essays or stories anymore. I can't sit through Calculus class without falling asleep with my eyes open ten minutes into class. I want do, but I can't. I'm tired. I'm stressed. And I just want it to be over.

I then think of summer. Those two glorious months in which I spend sleeping, reading and lying in the sun. Those effortless and tireless days that warm my skin just thinking of it. And the most soothing thought about summer is the fact that I have completed everything that I am in the process of completing right now.

These are my thoughts. This is how I think. I'm not always so organized with my thoughts or words. This is how I feel right now. Hopeful yet strained. What worries me most, what scares me the most about this new and young life I call my own, is that one big mistake, one wrong decision, one mis-step and everything that I have fought so hard for can fall apart.

"How to deal," I wonder. "When you can't deal anymore?"