My younger cousin and I look alike (blonde hair and greenish eyes, short) … So much so that we’re mistaken for sisters quite a lot, when we’re out together. She’s family, so I have to love her… But she’s a spoiled rotten little brat. She smacks and cusses out her mother, refuses to listen to her father, freaks when her sister wears her clothes (but steals her sister’s stuff), and isn’t yelled at about any of this. If I did a small portion of the stuff she did, I’d be black and blue! Her mother doesn’t believe in spanking her, though, because she’s a “delicate child”. Delicate my foot – if she wants a “hard childhood”, all she has to do is look at me, her niece. I don’t know my biological father, I had a custody battle about me, I was ripped from the only family I knew at the tender age of five… And instead of giving up, I’ve managed to graduate from high school this past Saturday, with NHS Honors.
When I do something wrong, I get smacked or grounded. When she does something wrong, she gets coddled because “she’s the baby”. Our mothers are sisters, and they were raised similarly, but that doesn’t mean jack. My cousin and I are raised on opposite sides of the parenting spectrum – my mother has an almost authoritarian parenting style, and my aunt is extremely permissive.
Interestingly, my friends have predicted that I’ll be a permissive parent, much like my aunt, because my mother can be so controlling. Honestly? I think that I’ll be an authoritative parent… Or maybe I’ll be the mixture of them.
One thing that I don’t understand is why my aunt thinks that spanking my cousin is a bad thing. She doesn’t want to hurt her daughter … Coming from experience, the spanking doesn’t physically hurt as much as the humiliation does. She also doesn’t think it’s right for a parent to hit his or her child – I’m sorry, if my kid ever, EVER hits me, he/she will get a spanking. If my child ever calls me a stupid B. or C., there will be a smack across the mouth and a possible introduction to the taste of soap.
I’m not going to get mad if my kid swears when he or she is young – I did the same thing, and I wasn’t punished. I was just told that those words aren’t appropriate for a child, which is what I will try to explain to my child. However, when the child gets to the age where he or she is in upper-elementary school, I know that the meaning of the words will have most likely been taught, so a small punishment will be enacted (no soap. Maybe sentences). If my child ever swears at me or yells at me, well… Heaven help him/her.
Also, call me crazy, but I was raised that adults have the final say when it comes to the household. They pay the bills, they make the rules, that sort of thing. That seems to be changing more and more, especially with divorced households.
Basically, all that this ramble is getting at is that my cousin and I are perfect examples of opposite parenting styles – where she is rude, I am not (out loud), where I defer to my parents, she lays down the law. What she wants, she gets. What I want, I have to work for or towards. Do I want to go out tomorrow night? Fine, but I have to complete my chores. Does she want to go out? Fine, but she needs to do her chores, too… She throws a snit-fit because she doesn’t want to? Oh, well, her sister can stay home and do them instead.
I’m going to be the one whose life is more successful… She’s going to be reliant on the submissiveness of others, and when it doesn’t come, she’s going to get the shock of a lifetime as she’s thrown face-first into the Real World.
Do you really think she will be thrown face first into a world? I think she will be looking with her hand out when it smacks her up side her head. The lesson wont be learn though because she will just run home to mommy.
The spanking thing is a fine line. I beleive me and my hubby have the final say about things. My son, 5, is a person still and we listen and explain. I have hardly ever (like twice) had to physically punish him because he is understanding and has the memory of a elephant. My nearly two year old on the other hand.... well she is more active and curious and forward. She will probably need more but I am prepared, the rules are the same, the learning is diffrent.
I what it all comes down to is to each their own. THings a really diffrent once your a parent no matter how well you plan. By the time you make it that far your hands just might be tied given the current move of things.
Good luck,
~T
All truths are easy to understand once discovered; The point is to discover them ~Galileo
She's not going to go back to her mommy, because she has the whole teenage mentality of "I know it all" multiplied by 300, at least. She's gonna try to put the world in line with a smack and it's gonna cross-check her in reply. She'll prolly end up like my other cousin - in jail/juvie by 21.
Oh well, what's done is done, if my aunt/uncle can't keep her in line, who will?
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My two cents? I think you'll be a great mix of the two. Why? Because you are smart and you have had the benefit of seeing both ends of the spectrum. You don't want your kids to turn out like your cousin, but you don't want them to feel utterly controlled like you feel. I predict you'll find a balance.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
...and hit the post button twice. Sorry!
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I'm not even a parent and I've found my balance: pets. Haha.
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"She also doesn’t think it’s right for a parent to hit his or her child"
If she doesn't think it's right that's fine, in fact I'm inclined to agree, but there are other ways to discipline a child. If you don't want to have to hit your child for them to listen, then you need to find another way to get them to follow rules. Young children generally want to please their parents, so simple telling them what you expect of them may be enough to get a young child to listen. If a request isn't enough, time-outs, losing privileges, explaining why what they want isn't acceptable, and/or allowing them to choose an acceptable alternative, can be very effective, if used in a consistent way. A key thing your aunt and many other parents seem to miss is that children need to be taught what is and is not acceptable behavior at a very young age in order to be successful and know how to make good choices when they're older.
"Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical, and expecting more than others think is possible."
She's not a young child anymore, though - she'll be 14 in a few months (her birthday is 10 days after mine, and she's 4 years younger than I). If she was under 10, I could see the whole no hitting thing. She's almost 14, almost a freshman in high school... And she smacks her mom upside the head every chance she gets.
She did it once in front of me - I grabbed her wrist and told her if she ever, EVER hit anyone in front of me again, I would throw her over my knee and make sure she couldn't sit down for a week. My aunt was like, "You can't do that, she's only a child" - while a huge, red handprint grew on the side of her face. I was 16, almost 17, and she was 12, almost 13, at the time. I looked at my aunt and told her that I was 16 and I had never hit anyone, especially not an adult, that hard on purpose. My aunt's excuse? "She's bipolar". Uh, that's a load of BS, since she's never been diagnosed by a doctor, just my Munchausen-by-proxy auntie. *sigh* Little brat.
Interestingly? She's never done it in front of me again. All she needed was a threat from someone who can actually hold to her promises... And that seems to be me, not her mother.
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I figured she was probably older now, but the point I was trying to make is that it's relatively easy to teach young children to respect adults. By the time a person is 13 or 14 they should already know hitting is wrong, because they should have been told that from the very first time they failed their arm into someone. When parents put off teaching basic social skills (like not hitting people) they aren't doing themselves or their children any favors. Forget spanking the kid for smacking their parent, lets spank the parents for not teaching the kid any better.
"Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical, and expecting more than others think is possible."
If she could, I'm pretty sure that my grandma would put my aunt over her knee. Sadly, my grandma's 4'11, 140lbs at the most, and has a heart problem. My aunt is 5'6, 300lb+, and would squish her.
Nah, I'm not mean to my family at all.
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