hard

When you lose someone you wish the whole world could just stop so you could fall apart. There's not time to grieve, though. I just wish i could just fall apart and let it all out, but I can't because i'm at school or soccer or going somewhere else. There is never time and then I just never grieve. I wish i could just pause everything real quick and just be sad without having to live on with my life...that everything could just wait. It's not like that though, and it's hard. It doesn't get easier, it just gets harder. Every time I think about going to my dad's grave now, I don't even want to because that means it's real and i have to accept it, but I won't because I'm not ok with it...it's not ok..things aren't ok. And when someone i know just died recently I couldn't go to the funeral because it was so close to my dad's that I would be falling apart and wouldn't be able to support his close friends and family, but also because all you can say to them is it will be ok, but how can I say that? I don't know if that's true because so far it hasn't been "ok" and I don't think it ever will be...