Brain Drain had Middle Child in a headlock again. His older brother is much larger and stronger, and Middle Child often finds himself in a position he can't escape. His explosive emotional outbursts are his only defense against the brute force of Brain Drain. So he exploded.
"Let me go, you jerk! You're...so...GAY!"
ScreeeeeEEEECHH! That is the sound of an entire household coming to an abrupt halt.
It was the end of the day. Mom and Dad were home and I was on my way out the door. I came back in. This was worth a few extra minutes at work.
"What did you just say?" his mom asked.
"But he wouldn't let me go!" Middle Child protested.
"That is not what I asked." Middle Child repeated the epithet and Mom asked, "Do you know what that word means?"
Middle Child replied, "Yeah. It means when something's, like, really bad or yucky."
"No," Mom said, "It means your nanny and her partner. It means the Swansons. It means Matt and Alex down the street. Are any of those people really bad or yucky?"
He stole a glance at me, afraid to meet my eyes. "No."
Mom went on, "Then don't use that word to mean bad or yucky. And when kids at school use it that way, what can you tell them?"
"Not to."
"Good. And tell them what it really means."
I stepped in here, so I could explain how hurtful it was to hear the word "gay" used derogatorily. I made it clear that the word itself is not insulting, but that its use as a synonym for "bad or yucky" is. I've seen countless arguments for the evolution of the word, with straight kid after straight kid claiming it now has no connection to relational gayness. This argument simply has no legs under it.
How did the word "gay" come to be associated with "bad or yucky" (to continue with Middle Child's definition)? It came from straight people maligning each other's masculinity, based on the stereotype that gay men are effeminate. The epithet has been leveled so often, for so long, that straight people have forgotten its association and now recognize it as a favorite generalized insult. Despite this, the fact remains that the word that means what I am is being used as an insult. What could possibly be more insulting or hurtful?
The gay community does not want its name used as an insult. It is irksome when a person who has no personal stake in the meaning or use of the word tries to tell me that this word, which defines who I am, means something other than what I think it does.
Middle Child's mom let me explain this to him and Brain Drain (in age-appropriate terms they could understand, of course). They took it with heads bowed. Even Brain Drain was quiet. I know they've said it before. I know their teachers let it happen. But they are two boys who cannot condone that behavior. Their little brother, The Princess, is starting first grade next year. He's going to need defending soon, and they need the language to do so.
So now we're all using the word in the correct context as much as possible. I am the luckiest lesbian nanny in the world.
Interestingly enough, I was catching up on some mindless TV watching (Celebrity Apprentice) and this same vein of thought ran through my mind. Omarosa calls Piers gay, which regardless as to whether it was true or not, was completely unrelated to the topic at hand. And then Donald Trump starts saying, "Wait, Piers has got to defend himself against this accusation," as though being called gay was a bad thing.
It's still default thinking, my high school peers use the term "gay" as an insult all the time. But I think it's deeper than just a cultural term, but rather driven by people's view of homosexuals. Even people who claim to be tolerant of such things, like Mr. Trump, fall prey to such default thinking.
But I guess it's slowly being unlearned.
While it may be true that people in your area use the insult-form of gay without any homosexual connotations, in my particular region of the Bible Belt, both connotations are present in the insult-form of the word. People around here will say "that's so gay" and mean both that it is stupid and that it is something they would expect homosexuals to do/say/use/etc. It's just really sad that, according to a friend of mine's estimation (I never pay attention, so I'll just agree with her), with about a QUARTER of my school part of the GLBT community and its allies, people can be so ignorant.
Welcome to the Bible Belt. No matter how large your minority is, you are hated for being part of it, AND expect others to use the name of your minority as some form of insult.
My partner grew up in Memphis. It's a night and day difference from up here. The gay bar down there is hidden in an industrial area, and if you didn't know it was a bar, you'd think it was just a warehouse or something. There is no signage. Here, there are neon signs and ads in magazines. A lot of the bars have big open windows. I'm pretty lucky to be where I am, but there's still a long way to go. I'll be posting about that later today.
And I don't really believe that there is no homosexual connotation to the word when it is used here, but that is the argument I hear again and again, so my point is, even IF their claim is true, they need to know it is still hurtful.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Yeah. Here the homophobes don't even TRY to hide their prejudice in nice little "oh, there's no connotation" ways. They are just as open about their hate as they are about their beloved Christianity (which tells them NOT to hate).
...Wait...There's a gay bar in Memphis?
I haven't been there in a couple of years, but there was one. It was huge! I'll message the name to you. I don't know if it is still there.
There had been a lesbian owned one there for years, called the Madison Flame, but that closed last year. It was a dive, but it was a comfortable dive. Sad.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Whoa, hold on a second. Just knowing there is one is enough for me. A) Underaged B) I hate the idea of bars, period.
I certainly would not want to encourage underage drinking.
In defense of the existence of gay bars, though, they provide a safe place for the community to gather. Up here, I have no trouble finding non-bar places to do this, but other areas are not so lucky, as you well know.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
You have a good point about this. Before my parents corrected me on the word gay I used to use it like one of the previous people stated as the word stupid. In all reality if it is looked up in the dictionary it means happy.( it used to I don't know I haven't looked it up since i was younger) I don't know why this was some how turned into another meaning later but it still is wrong to use in a bad way. People don't seem to understand people that are different than them including every race,nationality, being lesbian or anything. I kind of wish people were more like how i am to an extent. I am very open minded and don't judge anyone. I have been capable of hanging out with any and every "group" imaginable but people seem so narrow minded. I'm glad though that the mother you babysit for actually understands the right meaning of the word gay. parents seem to be teaching their children the wrong meaning of the word and teaching that it is such a bad thing when it isn't.
Something people should know about:
http://www.progressiveu.org/032913-lupus-uncureable-wait-what
This brought tears to my eyes that there is a family like that out there! I'm perfectly straight.... well maybe not perfectly, but straight enough. It hurts me to hear my friends say something like that, and just let it go because i know that they don't mean it the wrong way. They support gay marriage and have gay friends and don't speak ill of them... It's just sad to realize that people can really just accept something so derogatory into their everyday lives.
My teacher and I were actually having a conversation about this today. We were talking about how the word "gay" is overused and is not a synonym for lame. I cannot count the amount of times that I've heard "This is sooooo gay!" in the halls of my high school. Our Gay Straight Alliance had a campaign to replace the word "gay" with others, including "bogus" (my favorite!)
However, my teacher's only qualm with punishing highschooler's for saying "You're gay!" was this: it's hard to tell who has the right to say it. Immediate reaction: no one has the right to say it! But then he proceeded to tell a story about two homosexual males in one of his classes who were calling each other gay and faggots. When he said that wasn't okay, one of the boys said "So, what, you're discriminating agaisnt gays now? All the straight boys say it!" (I'm pretty sure this kid was a freshman...) My teacher replied, "Are you kidding me? That's the attitude I'm trying to protect YOU from, whether it's some jerk jock, or your buddy right there, you're not supposed to say it!"
Listening to his story, I realized I do it too. If I did a quick count, I'm pretty sure that more of my friends are homosexual than straight. And when one of the boys does something stereotypically "gay" or effeminate, I'll laugh and say, "Jeez, fag!" It's completely jocular, but it's not okay. I've been called all sorts of things, including dyke and it's not nice. Even when a friend of mine does it as a joke, it hurts inside, because being a teenaged kid, I'm already insecure with myself and my sexuality. Having my gay best friend call me butch right after I get done telling him about the guy I like does not generally inspire confidence. Having had this epiphany, I'm going to stop teasing people about their sexuality so much, becuase I now I feel slightly ashamed and awkward about it...
By the way, have I told you yet that you're a brilliant writer? Well, you are!
This experience has been kind of a confidence booster. I knew I could do academic writing, but this is a surprise! And it's fun!
But really what I want to say is, Thank You so much for being a part of a GSA! If my high school had had one...well, my life would have been a lot different. I won't say it would have turned out better, because I like my life as it is, but the road to get here was not easy, and I think the supportive environment of a GSA would ave made that chapter of my life quite a happy chapter!
It takes as much guts to be an ally as it does to be out. *applause*
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Yes I am guilty.
I am a straight young lad from a small northeastern town in America and I usually mean well. Not much to it you could say!
However I have been a United States Marine for almost four years. I am separating, soon and am trying to reintroduce myself to the "Real World" and "Real People" Just reading this has been a personal shame. A lot of Marines look at homosexuality as a disease or crime it is completely taboo and unacceptable. (Not all of us of course! there are good people everywhere) even still it is the butt end of most of our jokes. I cant recall a marine that has never used the terms fag, gay, homo etc. Even worse at times. Please understand my job in the marine corps is of course combat related, so it takes a certain individual, and it further then molds them into thicker skinned individuals. So most of what is said is not looked twice upon. It is part of our culture. If we can accept death and the death of our loved brothers then, for sure harsh joking and name calling is miniscule and ends up to be more of a bonding instrument. This by no means is appropriate. Yes it may seem strange!! I don't expect anyone to completely understand, accept, or agree with this because I myself know that it is not normal human behavior.
But then again on smaller levels isn't it? Isn't that what this is all about?
Looking back with all that has been ingrained in my mind I look in at myself and see what I have forgotten and how often I let my tongue flow freely, or how often I contradict what I really feel. I was raised a christian and still have faith in my beliefs however let others and outside forces skew my perspective of what is proper and what is poor human interaction. I have homosexual friends and all though i do not practice or completely agree to the public practice of homosexuality, I am open to objectivism. Honestly its sad, everyones beliefs, practices, loves and joys are and can be judged and analyzed by others if you share them world. For that reason i tend to keep a lot inside and to myself. The only security I find is in my heart. But even if, we are all individuals and have rights to what is in our heart, mind and soul (and the right to express it freely) and there is not one being on this planet that has the right to take, oppress, or hinder another's love, of all things and I feel it is as simple as that. So i personally agree with and am on board with what your message has to say and would further like to apologize for the lack of discipline i have had in recent years. Your post has honestly helped me realign and redirect habits i know are unprofessional and unkind.
To anyone who read this..
I would like to comment that the statements and opinions i expressed towards and about the United States Marine Corps and Marines were completely a personal opinion. Please do not Stereotype and categorize Marines. It is an organization full of hard working selfless upstanding American men and women. We all have things to work on. Thank You kindly
I am humbled and honored by your introspection. It is a great compliment that my little story inspired such deep thought in you. I appreciate that you put so much thought into my message.
I don't think that anyone can really judge whatever means soldiers use to relieve the tension of combat; however, there are gay and lesbian Marines. You don't ask, and they don't tell, but they exist. I think about this, and think of the pain I've felt when hearing the word bandied about, and I wonder how much more intense it must be for them, when they are supposed to feel this bond of brotherhood with their fellow soldiers, who behave as if they would rather kill them than serve with them.
This is not an indictment of you, because you apologized and have a fairly egalitarian and very sympathetic perspective on gay rights. I appreciate that immensely. Thank you for your story.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I know fellow marines and sailors alike that have these issues. I hope to bring some relief in letting you know that though there is a struggle I'm sure for those individuals, the ones I know and associate with seem to get by and fit in just fine. Very strong individuals, they live up to their titles. And as i am sure you know well many individuals when put up to bat really have more mouth than action. This is true for many marines they may talk the talk but really do or say nothing. Because they don't know how to handle certain forms of diversity. So in most cases they just avoid the situation all together. One Team One FIght. thats a saying we have and i try to live by.
once again your welcome and Thank You.
Wayne
That is inspiring. Thanks.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
poor middle child!! He just wanted defense from brain drain, lol. I can see your point clearly and I m starting to notice how I often I say, it's gay, or that's gay. Its just evolved into another word for stupid I think of late.
You're a really good author by the way!!
Do you see how that correlates?
Gay (A) = stupid (B).
I (C) = Gay (A).
Therefore, I (C) = stupid (B).
If A=B and A=C, then C=B.
That still hurts, even if it isn't intended that way.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I agree that gay should NOT be used as a synonym for "yucky or gross or bad". I do not support the homosexual lifestyle but that does not mean that I think gays should be subjected to name calling or anything of that nature. They are people too. Their choice does not make them horrible people. It does not mean that they can be taken advantage of or treated poorly. Everyone should be treated with respect. After all, it's not like the gay community uses. ."You're. .. sO. .. STRAIGHT!" as a put down. People need to wise up and realize that everybody has feelings and words HURT!
wow i really liked it . . . very intresting. . . it doesnt bother me so much when people say "thats gay" but when they use the word faggot . . . .well peace have a great day
This story could've appeared in Reader's Digest or something. It was just so heartwarming and definitely family friendly. It would have done some good in a publication.
Anyhow, I feel a little sad to mention in middle school, "gay" seemed to be the preferable derogatory word of choice. Whenever something was annoying, or a student was too lazy to accept some work or whatever, they'd say "This is so gay." "Gay" was also used towards students, I suppose to jokingly assume that they were of the non-straight persuasion. Then, when gay was used in it's original context, meaning happy, that too was obvious in a joking manner.
With middle school being seven years ago, I must admit I can't remember if I used the term, though I probably did.
So here's me saying "I apologize" for all the ignorant little kids! Let's teach kids acceptance at an earlier age, but also focus on the importance of using bad words...and words that are bad in certain contexts.
~ *~
Visit my blog! I'll even provide a link for ya:
Comments are always appreciated! :)
I completely agree with your point. And yo've inspired some thought on my part, so I must thank you. I just posted a new blog on the topic and credited you with the inspiration of it, if you'd like to have a look.
But it is wrong that we have come to recognize the word as an insult. I am guilty of this also, but I am re evaluating my speech patterns. Thank you again.
-Leave the world a better place than you came to it.
Inspiring thought is my goal! I'll go look for your blog now.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
towards anything, such a race or a sexual preference starts at home and then spreads to what they're exposed to. Whether it's at school or church.
While I beleive that church and phobias do not help the gay communities cause, I do believe that they make much worse for themselves. I grew up with a gay elder brother. He came out to me first and then threatened my life in order for me to keep his secret. I watched him live a lie and a secret life for more than 10 years before he finally came out to everyone in my family. They, like expected, were not very understanding and immediately banished him from the family.
He went on with his life went to college, moved to italy, and married.
Here in my hometown the gays sort of band together and isolate themselves from everyone else. They then claim that they are austracized by the rest of the community and that they are ridiculed. They do not address themselves in the same category as everyone else, the isolate themselves by saying things like "our kind" "our people" and things like us. I got into a disagreement with a lesbian friend of mine because she continued to reference herself and her girlfriend differently than everyone else. I told her that just because she was gay she wasn't any different than eveyrone else. That we were ALL alike. She responded with 'you don't know how it is for "US"and "My Kind" are constantly outcasted and set apart from the rest... and things like that. I just laughed. I told her she would get no where thinking that she was different from every one else.
It's frustrating for me to see homosexuals isolate themselves and refer to themselves differently.
I don't think that when a child calls someone "gay" that it's homophobia. They're a kid, and that's a way of calling someone a loser. If they're never told that it's a bad word, what more can we expect of them? When the parent gets onto the child they're teaching them the REAL meaning of it and that it is not a kind word. Which is good. If every child is taught that, it will end the prejudice against homosexuals.
I'm in no way homophobic and am actively involved with the GSA organization in my community and everyone who goes to those meetings feels the same way.
i'm not gay and i use the word as a form of "bad or yucky". like whenever something happens to me that i dont like i might say, "oh man that was kind of gay" but at no point does the image of men loving eachother effectionately pop into mind. nor a hatred for said men. nor a phobic feeling of men who want to "love" me. i've always respected the gay community so i felt and still feel like if i dont say the word Gay in a "yucky" tone around gay people it didnt matter. and the truth is at least according to me is that it doesnt. i live by the kind of pholisphy "you go go your way and i go go mine". and i just want to say that i have seen the opressions that gay people have to live with. my sister when she wanted to get married they passed a law that said she couldnt because her sexual orientation? what kind of BS is that. and i know that regular ol a-holes around the world will use your faults to "poke" fun, with friends and other people in general. but this is our world and we have to live in it,straights,gays, bi's, tranies, whites, blacks, muslems, christians, darks, lights, perverts, purists. whoever you are your still a human being and anything you do is justified by being born. so i will continue to use the word gay to describe bad yucky stuff instead of its "official" diction. and i promise to the universe i will be proud to say i have gay friends and family and that I LOVE GAY PEOPLE, simply because they are people.
And I do appreciate that you are supportive of gays and lesbians. That said, I want to make it clear that the part of it that hurts, regardless of your intentions when using the word, is this:
If gay = bad or stupid and I = gay, then it follows logically that I also = bad or stupid. That is my argument for not using the word in that way.
The evolution of the word to the point that it means bad or stupid (or yucky, as Middle Child said) began with gay being used as an insult against a person's masculine dominance. This got watered down to being simply "stupid." Or bad or boring or any number of generic insults. This is not a proud legacy for a word that STILL also means same-sex affection. But I said all that in my blog.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
My best friend i a lesbian, my friend in dallas ( actually like 6 of them ) are either bi( which is ointless pick one,....but if you are happy! go for it) or gay.....i love them that way, i, being straight evenstill, do not understand people's need to bash another persons love preferance!!...it bugs the hell out of me.... and i am too another Bible Belt dweller, grudgingly at this point in my life. i admit to be one of the accused ones , the slang 'gay' users, i have stopped recently for my friends who did explain to my why it is so hurtful and it didnt take much for me to fully understand the concept, i put myself in their shoes for a bit about two years ago, it was sad the ridicule and crap i got from it, it tore me up like sand paper one open wounds or something, i couldnt take it... my heart goes out to all of you guys, I am glad there are people like you out there in this mentally lacking society of ours that stands for you wants/needs/preferances... i fully support gay rights, you deserve them as much as straight people deserve their rights to love their true love...duh!!!
Cori
I hear the same thing all the time at school and it really bothers me because it's being derogitory toward people who are gay. Being gay is not wrong and we should not portray it as wrong.
I'm not a homosexual but if i was i would hate for someone to call me gay! The correct term is homosexual and if you say it that way you don't have to worry about hurting anyones feelings or pissing them off! Honestly you shouldn't even call them homohsexuals because there just like use besides they have a diffrent sexual prefrence. If you cut them there gonna bleed and if you cut me i would to. There is really no diffrence between us and i support it 100%.
It is actually FINE with most gay people if you call them 'gay.' In fact, most of the people I know prefer 'gay' to 'homosexual.' One reason for this is that 'homosexual' has a medical connotation to it, as that is what the DSM called it until homosexuality was removed from the list of psychological disorders in the '70's. The other reason is that the religious right and other anti-gay people/movements almost EXCLUSIVELY use the term 'homosexual,' as they are well aware of its history as a "disease" and they seek to make us sound sick. I personally can't STAND the word 'homosexual.'
The point of my blog was not that the word 'gay' should be off limits, but that it should be used appropriately, as in, when referring to gay people. It should NOT be used to call someone stupid or to insult a heterosexual's masculinity. If you are talking about a friend who is gay, please, go ahead and say "my friend, who is gay" or "my gay friend." Do NOT say, "Man, this class is gay." Or "Dude, that's so gay!"
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I have had straight, white, friends from mainstream Christian families who would use the term ``filthy Jew`` to describe an idiot of no particular religion or ``stupid dyke`` as a synonym for ``annoying bitch,`` no matter if the woman was heterosexual. It irked me in exactly the same way as when someone uses `gay` to describe something stupid and lame.
Those friends would roll their eyes at me and say ``We don`t mean anything against Jews. To us, Jewish just means stupid.`` And the straight guys who would call girls ``dykes`` don`t see how they are insulting gay women.
Every Jewish friend I have ever had didn`t need to have these things explained to him or her. They`ve lived in familes with histories that teach them how important it is to be compassionate and to think about the affect that words have.
The problem is that there are millions out there who really do wish harm to gay people. When those people hear others using words in such a way that encourages the connection between ``gay`` and ``bad,`` it encourages them to justify their hatred, and sometimes that culminates in a tragedy like that little boy who recently got shot and killed by a homophobic classmate or a kid in my area who committed suicide because he couldn`t take the anti gay harassment at school anymore.
Some of the marines may feel they are ``bonding`` by using anti gay language, but I used to live around that language when I was closeted, and it doesn`t feel anything like bonding when you are the unintended target. I wonder how soon the officers would demand an end to it if the ``bonding`` involved thousands of daily ``stupid Christian Jesus freak`` comments (around someone who may not have ever even mentioned his religion} or minute by minute racist tirades around someone who may be the only ``target race`` member in the barracks.
It is important to remember that there is nothing wrong with calling someone gay (or Jewish or black or white or Christian or whatever they may be} as a descriptor, as in ``My friend Susan is gay and really cute. I should introduce her to your sister.`` The problem comes in using someone else`s identity as an insult. In some atmospheres, these insults are heard hundreds of times every day, and the cumulative effect can be very toxic.
I think this comment was better than my blog! Thank you! You get it. And your comment was SO clear and to the point, I think everyone else will get it now, too.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
odd ball fact of the day::::
did you know that the original term for gay meant happy. and the reason that homosexuals are also called gay is due to the fact that they are happy being with a same sex partner.
You are half right on that. Yes it originally meant happy, but the evolution into the word as we know it today is somewhat more troubled than your account of it. 'Gay' also meant "showy" or "flamboyant" and it became a descriptor for those with same-sex attractions as a result of the stereotypes that gay men are effeminate and flamboyant. This happened around the fifties. There is some evidence to suggest that gays and lesbians might have adopted it as a kind of code word as early as the 20's, but it didn't really catch on until much later. 'Gay' was widely adopted as the word of choice in the early '70's, I believe.
But even though it derives from a misguided stereotype, it is a lot less nasty than 'homosexual,' as 'homosexual' only characterizes our sexual relationships, and there is much more to being gay than sex. 'Gay' is a more inclusive word that applies to our whole lives...we are, in fact, happy with our same sex partners.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
ur blogs are always the beat and always make me think..
i honestly do use the word gay and i often feel bad when i say it as something other than homosexuality but i have best friends that are gay and they dont care..
i guess i should stop anyways but it is one of my many bad habbits i need to brake..
but didnt gay use to mean happy?? many words have many meanings.. i (and others) just dont need to use them when we know they may offend people. keep up the good work.. :]
thatgirl2089
I understand you're point, but I'm sorry not going to agree with it. We shouldn't teach are youth to embrace the lifestyle only to accept it. Homosexuality is a lifestyle it's not a medical condition. I don't agree with it, but I won't turn away someone who is.
I'm not sure I understand your point. Are you saying we shouldn't teach youth to be accepting of gay and lesbian people, and therefore they should be allowed to use the word gay as an insult?
Or are you responding to the comment thread about the word 'gay' vs. the word 'homosexual?' Because if that's the case, I know it is not a medical condition...that was the point of my comment. It used to be considered a mental illness, though, and in the diagnostic manual back then, it was called 'homosexuality.' It is a biologically correct term, but who wants to be referred to in biological terms? And since it has the negative stigma of once being associated with a disease, no gay people I know enjoy being referred to as homosexual (though I certainly can't and won't speak for all gay people).
If you use the reply button on the comment to which you are replying, some of this confusion can be cleared up. I would like it if you would clarify your comment, though. I'm curious which part of my post and/or comments you find objectionable.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman