The Stalking Drama

Everyone always says not to give your contact information out online because some crazy pervert will find you, stalk you and quite possibly rape, torture and kill you. I, of course, rarely listen to that advice. Not because I don't worry, I do and I take what precautions I can. But, it's not the crazy strangers that I'm worried about, it's the crazy people I know that bug me.

And I say that in all seriousness. As everyone who has ever read my blog knows by now, my sister has three kids, all preemies, with the youngest boy (Alo) having a slew of medical issues.

At any rate, his father is not in his life, by his choice. He's come to see him twice in the last two years and rarely ever even bothers to check and see how he's doing. His excuse, of course, is that we won't let him see him.

Well, yeah in part that is correct. We've told him more times than I care to count that when he actually begins to make an effort to see Alo consistently, he is more than welcome to be a part of his life. But until he makes the effort to actually be a part of his life and not a once a year visitor, not to bother because Alo has enough to deal with without being upset by some person he barely knows blowing into his life once a year and trying to pick him up and play with him and working him into a frenzy because he doesn't know that person and strangers scare him. And I can't say I blame him on that either. I'd be terrified of strangers too if 9 times out of 10, they were poking me, prodding me, or taking me from mommy and leaving me in an environment (hospital) where yet other strangers poke and prod me and won't let me crawl around or get out of the crib.

At any rate, we aren't trying to deny him rights to Alo... but I mean seriously. If one only wants to be a father on his own terms and not put the child first, one might as well stay away. And that tends to be how his dad his. He'll email and say he's coming next weekend, and that weekend he'll email and say it's the next, and so on and so forth and of course, only manages to actually appear once a year, whether Alo is in the hospital undergoing surgery or in PICU as he was in January or at home thriving.

So, what does he do instead? He scours the web, googling me or my sister. Or, more recently, he sends his girlfriend to ferret out information about what we're doing. When they find us, he still doesn't ask how Alo is doing or check on Alo. He simply emails or IMs my sister with some new tidbit about what we've been up too.

It absolutely infuriates me. I have enough to do without wondering when they're going to pop up again. It begins to feel as if someone is constantly staring over my shoulder and chasing me down. I've actually begun using a freaking nickname instead of my real name in many places so they can't find me. And that really really infuriates me. I have a job to do. I don't have the time to alert every single one of the contacts associated with that job that I'm now using a nickname because dillhole and dillholette won't act like adults and do what normal people do and pick up the freaking telephone or get in the freaking car. My sister has changed her nickname nearly everywhere and has begun referring to the kids by nicknames in order to end their contact.

Obviously, the expectation of privacy online is diminished... it's the nature of the web. But, this is extreme to me. Feeling as if nearly every aspect of your work and your online life is being watched and commented on by a single individual is incredibly intimidating. You begin to watch what you say simply because you don't want that one individual to know, begin to cut down on activities because you don't want to feel as if that one individual is watching you as you enjoy those activities.

It's pathetic. It makes me feel pathetic. I mean, I do not at all regret the stance we've taken where visitation is concerned. But, when my parents divorced, they trashed each other endlessly in front of us. Having been through that, I took the stance of not getting involved or saying anything about Alo's father. Been there with my own parents, not going to do it to Alo. So, now it's to the point where I'm trying not to say anything bad about him but daily wanting to throttle him.

So publicly (or as publicly as ProU is) calling him a dillhole is a big deal because I don't talk about him even to the people I talk to daily, like mvenus. And I probably shouldn't even do that much, but... I'm not going to go back and change it now.

At any rate, the entire issue has led me on a quest to learn more about cyberstalking to see what, if anything, we can do. Fourty-four states currently have cyberstalking legislation in place, with another three states currently in the process of designing cyberstalking legislation. In Arkansas, unlawful computerized communications (cyberstalking) is defined as:

1. A person commits the offense of unlawful computerized communications if:

With the purpose to frighten, intimidate, threaten, abuse, or harass another person, he sends a message to the person on an electronic mail or other computerized communication system and in that message threatens to cause physical injury to any person or damage to the property of any person; or

With the purpose to frighten, intimidate, threaten, abuse, or harass another person, he sends a message on an electronic mail or other computerized communication system with the reasonable expectation that the person will receive the message and in that message threatens to cause physical injury to any person or damage to the property of any person; or

With the purpose to frighten, intimidate, threaten, abuse, or harass another person, he sends a message to another person on an electronic mail or other computerized communication system and in that message uses any obscene, lewd, or profane language; or

With the purpose to frighten, intimidate, threaten, abuse, or harass another person, he sends a message on an electronic mail or other computerized communication system with the reasonable expectation that the person will receive the message and in that message uses any obscene, lewd, or profane language.

2. Unlawful computerized communications is a Class A misdemeanor.

That, of course, doesn't help us much since he hasn't threatened to kill us, damage our property or used "obscene, lewd or profane language." But, forewarned is forearmed.

Harassment happens daily, especially on the big bad web. What we would like to think of as safe faceless contact is often hostile and faceless contact, or in cases such as mine, infuriating and person known contact. And what's happening here is tame (and probably wouldn't even be considered stalking by most laws) compared to the harassment some people face.

So, what exactly is harassment? According to WHOA and Black's Law Dictionary, harassment is legally defined as "a course of conduct directed at a specific person that causes substantial emotional distress in such person and serves no legitimate purpose" or "Words, gestures, and actions which tend to annoy, alarm and abuse (verbally) another person" (WHOA, 2008).

We tend to think of online harassment as coming from individuals we don't know. In reality, just over 50% of individuals who reported being stalked in 2005 reported their stalkers as strangers. The rest of those reporting stalking in 2005 had previous contact with their stalkers; 33.5% had been in a real world relationship with that individual, 26.5% were stalked by someone from an online forum, IM, or chat, 4% had eBay contact and 5.5% of stalking cases stemmed from online romances (see hyperlinked article for reference).

So, what can you do if you're one of those dealing with such an intrusion? The National Center for Victims of Crime suggests that victims of cyberstalking send a clear written warning to the perpetrator, asking for an immediate cease and desist of all contact. Once that message has been sent (and copies kept); the individual should make no further contact with the perpetrator, under any circumstances. If that doesn't end it, filing a complaint with the ISP (internet service provider) of the individual should be considered. Other recommendations from the NCVC (linked above) include:

As soon as individuals suspect they are victims of online harassment or cyberstalking, they should start collecting all evidence and document all contact made by the stalker. Save all e-mail, postings, or other communications in both electronic and hard-copy form. If possible, save all of the header information from e-mails and newsgroup postings. Record the dates and times of any contact with the stalker.

Victims may also want to start a log of each communication explaining the situation in more detail. Victims may want to document how the harassment is affecting their lives and what steps they have taken to stop the harassment.

Victims may want to file a report with local law enforcement or contact their local prosecutor's office to see what charges, if any, can be pursued. Victims should save copies of police reports and record all contact with law enforcement officials and the prosecutor's office.

Victims who are being continually harassed may want to consider changing their e-mail address, Internet service provider, a home phone number, and should examine the possibility of using encryption software or privacy protection programs. Any local computer store can offer a variety of protective software, options and suggestions. Victims may also want to learn how to use the filtering capabilities of email programs to block e-mails from certain addresses.

In our particular situation, we're sticking to our guns and not relaxing our visitation decision simply to end it. We're keeping records. And in my case, I'm getting more irritated by the day.

The bottom line is; in most cases, there are options. Knowing what those options are and when to use them is a must. Stalking is intrusive, disgusting and in many cases, against the law. Make a point to keep yourself informed and safe. It can happen to anyone, including you.

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