I can't look at old pictures of myself without having strong feelings of regret. This may be one of the weirdest things about me, or at least when i try to look at it from other points of view it seems like that to me.
It's not so much that I miss the times the pictures show, I just wish sometimes that I didnt have to shed my childhood so fast. When I look at the pictures, I see such an innocence and true happiness that i can say i rarely, if at all, feel now that i'm older. In really old pictures, my smile's never inhibited by anything - and it's never fake. Then as i move on to ones from a couple years ago, or even now, there's nothing in my eyes or my smile that shows genuine happiness. i was so carefree back then, without all the mistakes and experience i've put on myself now. In comparison, i look so weary.. so exhausted from the things i've come to know. And my bitterness about love, about life, and about people show through so much even just in my eyes. Maybe i'm the only one who can see it, after all i don't expect people to connect these kinds of thoughts with pictures of me. i just sometimes wish someone could see, and could understand why i am the way i am. i don't mean to be cautious, don't want to be inhibited and restrained, but i can't help the way i take from experiences
One of the things i cringe when i hear most is, "you were so cute.. what happened?" in a sense they mean it jokingly, but i, if only i, know it's true. the things i've gone through i feel like have had their effects not just in the way i am, but physically. it sounds crazy, but i can't see how it's not true
Come break me down
bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
I know now, this is who I really am inside
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am
I can't think about the hurt i've caused people or the pain i've caused myself without wondering how i turned out this way. i had so much going for me, and i threw it all away. i'm such a stupid little girl, but you know, i could never say "still." because i can honestly say i had so much more wisdom even in intermediate school than i have now
i just wanna cry when i think about all i've thrown away. things i'll never have again, hearts i'll never have again. maybe it's better.. i can't say right now i can see a reason for all this happening, but it was my decisions that led to this. this regret that's slowly turning into remorse.. but i don't ever want it to end like this. at times like these i'd give anything for time travel..
Its interesting, i think there are alot of people who think the same way. When we were young what did we worry about? With age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes worry.
I understand its hard not to worry. I myself worry all the time about every little thing sometimes. I hate being away from certain people for too long because now that im older i realize death is real and that while there out and about they could die. I dont like the feeling of missing things either. I do miss running around with my little sisters playing some imaginary game. I can remember how i felt then and how i wish i thought the same.
I had a theory on heaven. I think the only way we can be happy is if we were kids again. So maybe when we die we become kids to play for all eternity.
it IS pretty interesting how these thoughts are universal. like we're all psychologically the same in some respects. kinda creepy.
Well, everybody deals with loss in a different way. When you lose someone or something from your life abruptly, it forces you to deal with coping and compensating for the loss. But when you lose something gradual, such as your childhood friends/loves/innocence, your mind does not need to deal with it all right away. Sometimes, it comes to terms with the loss as it happens, peice by peice, and sometimes, more commonly, it pushes it off until you cannot hold it off any longer, and you feel the pain more strongly when you come to the realization that you have grown up.
I think that everyone feels like this at some point in their lives. Just remember that even though you are growing older, you have more things yet to learn, more people yet to people, and more fun yet to have. The rest of your life can be as happy or happier than your childhood if you make it be. =]
"We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exporing will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." --T.S. Eliot
My carefree childhood days ended to soon for me, my childhood was broken by deaths and fire. It would be nice to not have to care about your actions and others again but just because those times are gone doesn't mean you can't have fun. This summer, I realized crying about the good ol' days won't do anything for me. Don't think about all you threw away, go catch some stars, looking back is okay but trying to re-live it won't do any good. Make up for the pain you did to someone and yourself by making others happy, stop dwelling on all the bad because you just keep falling deeper it's like you will never get out! I went through a lot of that and it almost cost me my life. Trust me just because you aren't a child doesn't mean you can't be truely happy. Sometimes I to wish I could go back in time and get to redo things but it would change what I have become, all the pain has become the building blocks for a better future, sure I will still lose and still cry but that shouldn't hold me back it should push me forward.
thanks whitterbug :) i appreciate the advice
i think the important thing here, and the best thing for your emotional well-being, is realizing that even though you may have made mistakes (and who hasn't?) you're smart enough to admit it, and therefore learn from it.
sure, maybe you fucked up. a lot of us have. the difference is that some of us have used those mistakes as learning experiences and even though you can't take back the past, it's never too late to change your future--for the better. =)
i wish you the best of luck..no matter what happens, just know that for everyone you've lost, there are people out there that could become close friends and will love you despite your past, whatever it may be.
--stacie