Transgender 5-year-old: What's a Feminist Nanny To Do?

Hi, I would just like to say I'm so glad I have read this blog. I am in the uk and my 5yr old son has been very feminine since 18 months old and now he can tell me what it is he feels he also would rather be in feminine clothes and play with girls over boys, my story is almost as identical to yours and has been so helpful. I hope you are well and the child you have wrote about is well, are there any further updates?

"Ma Vie en Rose?" it is French, and i am pretty sure it was done in the 90s. It is very good and shows all the stuff you talked about.

It is enjoyable and funny, but it also shows the heartache that comes from reality, which is that not everyone is ready to handle these things.

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I've been wondering how the little Princess has been doing. Glad to hear that he hasn't had too many problems yet.

Just giving the kind of advice I would have liked my own parents to have. As a child I wasn't particularly feminine, at least my parents deny I was, because I also played with Lego and videogames, and with my younger brother (I have 3, but back then he was the only one born). I didn't have sisters either to give me any idea, or clothes, or playing dress-up.

It's not been about the outward appearance, though if I had known I could 'get away with it', I probably would have been more feminine. Being feminine, even to a small degree, is what got me trouble, what got me labeled as gay (I was asexual with no libido whatsoever), and a part of the bullying problem. Except I wasn't aware that I was feminine, I was just 'me'. People implied it a lot (that I was feminine), especially the ones who didn't like it.

I didn't know how, or want to fight back. I had no interest in violence (and I still don't, and sot of proud of it). Most girls are not expected to physically fight back, but that's not the reason I find it unjust, as much as that I was forced to be implicated in being beaten up, rather than left alone. My mother tried to help some, but the administration blamed me.

Few were aware of my gender issues, until I came out about it in 2005. It still came as a surprise to them (including my parents, who were amongst the first to know) when I first dressed as a girl, and started presenting as one all the time. Most people didn't react negatively though. It's the few that did that affected me. My self-esteem was down in the dumps, anything was good enough to beat on it even more. I've become better over time.

It came as a surprise though I was virtually hairless (on the body), with "a girl's dream hair" (in length, thickness, wavyness) and was very skinny from the onset (never weighted above 120 lbs in my life, for 5'6" - now I'm at 100 lbs). The only one who seemed not to be surprised was one of my aunts, who said I made a better girl than I ever did a boy. That was some awkward thing to say, but I know she meant to compliment me.

If the time comes when your charge wants to make the change permanent, with hormones and all, then changing documentation should be done then too if the child so desires (name at least). Unmatching documentation can be a problem for schools and universities, and working. They can't legally discriminate in some places, but most companies know they can get away with never calling for an interview, never calling to be hired, or calling someone underqualified or overqualified.

Personally I'm looking to go around this through some form of work-at-home, accounting, maybe translating. Both can be done from home by contracts. Makes you less depending on employers and their potential bigotry.

Changing the name can help, especially with being called the right name and pronouns. But unmatching sex marker can also come up through SSI information when working. That can make life difficult. Most places in the US only allow to change sex marker once surgery is performed. Surgery isn't for everyone, is kind of costly (around 20,000$) and some people can't have it (health issues), or don't want it. It's up to individuals wether they want it. Personally I want it, but I'm short on cash living with my minimal income. Surgery can't be performed before being 18 years old in the vast majority of places - so that's a long ways away and it can be discussed in due time.

I hope problems regarding bathroom usage don't come up too soon, it seems conservatives like to make it a *very important* issue. I especially find that weird when Europe has many places with unisex bathrooms. Personally I've no issue with it, but then again the vast majority of people only know me as female, especially strangers. I can go to a female bathroom at the mall or anywhere. Schools are harder because chances are, a lot of people know (and might object, on dubious grounds).

but didn't join at the time. I read it entirely and I think only two new comments have been made since then. I suspect it's not really active much, but I'd still like to give my perspective.

I'm an intersex person, legally male, transitioning to female. In a pretty crude way, you could say I'm a male-to-female transsexual who won the genetics lottery and skipped male puberty. The condition's name is Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (PAIS for short) and involves a lack of responsivity to testosterone from the body (while having normal male testosterone levels).

I only knew the difference between boys and girls late as a kid, probably around 8 or so. I don't remember anything before going to kindergarden at 5, and my childhood's memories are rather well, absent.

Despite a pretty androgynous appearance and pretty much gender-blind preferences for play, playmates, toys and being forced into boy's clothes. I was the subject of physical abuse (bullying) for all my time in elementary and high school. I was so glad to graduate in 1999.

If the parents can afford it and the problem of bullying arises, and can't be dealt with in a reasonable feasible manner, I'd suggest homeschooling. I'm not a fan of homeschooling for various reasons, but in that kind of case, where abuse can easily happen, it might be for the best. Can still have friends over, and avoid the ones who would hurt hir.

I transitioned at 24 years old (or almost), because I only learned it was even possible to at 22 years and a half. I learned about the existence of intersex conditions about a year later. Now I'm (almost) 26, living full-time as a pretty girly straight girl and life is finally bearable (being girly, or straight, has no bearing on my being female - though I'll admit it's much easier to express it). I've been taking hormones for two years, and will for the rest of my life. Eventually I'll get surgery.

As I said before, that sounds very similar to a transsexual (male-to-female)'s history, however I've never had a problem being seen as a girl (except by the government of course) and few are as lucky, especially starting in their mid-20s.

I might sound overly cautious, but having the child tested for karyotype may be something to do. Not that intersex conditions cause gender variance or gender dysphoria, but people who have such conditions are statistically more likely to transition or adopt an androgynous identity (not necessarily expression - I know many intersex people who identify and look as masculine males, but who nevertheless identify as intersex).

It's in no way to prevent or consider an eventual transition more likely, but to consider possible medical needs and issues that could arise due to possible conditions. For example, partial AIS individuals like me are sometimes raised as boys, and sometimes as girls (it depends on what doctors or parents decide at birth, or genitalia and such), but being raised as either usually implies the use of exogenous hormones to make puberty occur (that's a long ways away, but better to know in advance than know later and be rushed about it). My opinion is that if such hormones need to be involved for health reasons (bone density for example, along with pubertal development), the choice of which hormone treatment should be the child's, and discussed with the child's rather than decided for him or her. Such children can effectively pick which way their physical development will go, if they are consulted.

As for the child's identity. I wouldn't worry right now. The best is to expose them to a wide range of things, and develop on themes they like. I've a wide range of interests, including feminist ones. However, I'm also very feminine. One doesn't prevent the other obviously.

If I had a chance to relive my childhood, I'd probably also indulge in 'girly bliss' for different reasons:
1) I like it, plainly
2) To compensate for expectations that were placed on me
3) Because I fell in love with everything cute, and little girls dresses are as cute as can be. They've developed a whole market for such dresses, for adults, called lolita fashion, a style somewhat popular in Japan.

It may be important to speak of options when the time of puberty approaches, which is still years away - wether ze has an intersex condition or not. Ultimately puberty can be extremely destructive to the self-image of an adult if it 'went the wrong way', can produce a lot of guilt over not doing things earlier, and well, the physical results can be devastating as well if someone wants to be seen as normal, and not as different.

Options include the least affecting, hormone blockers; such as androcur. Later on, say at 16, options can also include estrogen and possibly progesterone. If there is no intersex condition (needing some treatment) and the child feels better as male, then let nature take it's course. If I had had those options back then, I'm pretty sure I would have lived much more fulfilling teenage years, where I wouldn't have wanted to hide my body and myself from everybody.

Sara

I really love reading your blogs. Your concern and love is just beautiful, in everything that you write.

As far as the princess goes, it is funny that he would steer towards all that us girls have been fighting for so long. Seems though that the same things he is loving, are the things that we have given up to become more "boylike" in ourselves.

We have spent decades proving we can hike, climb, jump, dig, fart, and dress like the guys can... it is kind of cute to see a little boy that loves the "classic damsel" role of the woman long forgotten.

I must admit my daughters love the Disney Princess stuff as well, but they both throw them down at the mention of going out to ride our four wheelers and dirt bikes... kids are kids... maybe it is a phase, maybe it isn't... but maybe his parents instead of just going for the girl stuff should include it all. Let him try karate, let him try ballet... simply buying only pink is almost deciding for him... (although I know you said he likes it) but maybe he needs a little more mixture. So that it is surely a decision of his completely.

Jeanna Marie

Hey folks-
My name's Marcus- I wrote the aforementioned (by cathii, in the comments section) 10,000 Dresses - a children's book about a rad transgender heroine. The art in the book is to die for- a great artist named Rex Ray did all the illos.

But I'm not actually here to talk about my book- instead to give a shout-out to the *extraordinary* book Whipping Girl, by Julia Serrano, subtitled: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegating of Femininity. I can't recommend it highly enough. Ms. Serano is a very very smart cookie, and her book dissects - in a very readable, accessible way- a whole host of smug presumptions. The book is worth buying just for the section about the history of MTF transitioning in America, down through the decades-
and the usually asinine/cruel hurdles erected for TG folk by non-TG doctors and 'experts.' (often male and straight). Ms. Serano also goes to town on certain lesbian feminist objections/prejudices, past and present, re. TG women. This book is amazing. It's like reading James Baldwin or Audre Lorde- the way Julia lines things up and knocks 'em down- boom, boom, boom! And like I said, it's very readable, for both the hardcore theorist and the layperson. Check it out!

-Marcus

While I'm at it- the book What Becomes You- by Aaron Raz Link and his mother Hilda (I think) - is also awesome. A very canny, moving, funny, and beautifully written book about the author's FTM journey. And the mom's great, too!

35 years ago I was very differnt than I am now...or at least my outward appearance was. I was born biologically female & have undergone the entire transition to be the boy and then man I always knew I was. Back then no one knew any terms such as "transgender" or "transsexual". They tried to pry the football from my grasp and crush my dreams to force me into the little box that said I had to do and be a certain way. I refused; all I had in this entire world was me, the knowledge of who I was. Instead their efforts crushed my self esteem, confidence, innocence...they taught me to hate myself. I began to believe them when they said I was crazy. My only hope was to die.

I was one of the lucky ones. Once I found out I wasn't a freak or crazy, I overcame it all -- eating disorder, suicidality, self-hatred, horrific abuse. In 5 years I shed over 300 lbs, graduated with honors in my undegrad studies & began grad school, began advocating as a speaker & writer so that no one would experience what i did; no one deserves the treatment I got.

Since I transitioned, the worst discrimination I've gotten has been from feminist lesbians who claim in correcting my birth defect I mutilated my beautiful body, that I am an example of someone who is so homophobic I'd go to extremes of surgery & hormones to avoid the stigma of being a lesbian. That is, until they spend 10 minutes with me & proclaim "No way you were ever a woman." Precisely. I think the reason transness is such a problem for feminsits is because feminists define themselves by their gender as do transpeople. Both have a vested interest in it. However, transpeople potentially threaten to change the way we look at gender & thereby threatens the very thing upon which feminisms are based. How does one really define a man or a woman? It can be disturbing. Identity is VERY important. Look at all the atrocities committed on the basis of racism, sexism, homophobia, & transphobia; something very important is at stake to motivate that degree of hositlity & violence.

Also, it's not uncommon for transpeople to -- at least for a while -- try out the stereotype. The women become Barbie, the men become cavemen. They're been oppressed for so long -- years or decades -- & had to hide who they are. It's like a pendulum, they swing to the polarized opposite as they learn what being a woman or man is to them. It's usually a passing thing.

I have found I learn the most from people who are so different than me that they push my buttons simply by breathing. I examine why they motivated such a strong reaction, my own belief system, learn about what so upset me and ask myself if I need to change this.

In short, learn from this experience. Use it to become a better person, no to beat yourself up. That is how this world becomes a better place.

--
"Freedom is an expensive thing." ~ Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I know you wrote this a while ago. But I joined not too long ago. I loved it. I thought it was very interesting and I loved reading every last bit of it. Congratulations on the featured blogger thing. Not too sure what that means yet, but I'm impressed all the same.

You know I was thinking if the sequin dresses and the Disney based themes of what makes a woman bothers you a little change that part up. There are some really cute girly dresses for children that are not sequined. That might help a little. As for the books, I know there are some feminist based fairy tale books out there with bright and funny pictures. Find one of those to read.

other than that, you are doing just fine.

You know, I say I have known since I was 5 but let me correct that. I have always known. I remember being uncomfortable with 'down there' before 5, but until 4 or so I didnt really know what a boy and a girl was. The same uncomfortable feeling I had when I was little grew into the feelings I had until my surgery.

This is not a choice, this is who we are, I would really appreciate it if people could try and understand this. Remember, you not being transgendered, really dont know what it feels like, all your life. Its not just guys wanting to be girls per se, but there are genetic females that totally identify as male. Its a human thing :)

www.myspace.com/fastsnow

I want to start out by saying that although I disagree with many things in life, I do not judge or discriminate against, so please do not take this that way. If I come off badly it is not intentional, I'm not being hateful at all. It is my belief that this behavior is learned and not natural. I believe that someone around him, whether intentional or not, has placed this idea in his head and now he wants to be a girl. I think that there would be nothing wrong with leaning him towards "boy things," and that there is also nothing wrong with reading him princess books. Letting him wear dresses is not what I would do, but I'm not telling you not to, it is not my place.
In the end, love him for who he is. I believe this is not how he was born, but in the end its who he is today, and all you can do is love people where they are at. Don't be afraid to treat him like you did the others, and feel free to encourage him to try new, more masculine things, and if he declines, so be it. Take it as it comes. Give him every opportunity he deserves.
God bless.
-Anne Michelle

This really touched me.
I wouldn't really know what this is like but i really love how you asked a question in the beginning, went deeper into it and then returned to the question. This situation must be really tough.

I really loved this blog, but just a few reminders. I used to play the helpless princess, make my kindergardern boyfriends perform tests of chivalry, and wear princess outfits. Today I am a feminist bisexual who grew up beating up boys who called girls fat or bullied the weak. When I was little pink was my favorite color and while I am typing with fake nails on I still love powertools . So don't worry. You can let him pretend, but you can also read him books by Tamora Peirce (when he's older, their novels with some mention of sex). Try getting him to pretend like he is the first female knight or that hes strong princess pocahontas, or that he's April fighting with the ninja turtles. (All things that I also played)
~~~~~~~
"I am a Stephens Woman."
http://progressiveu.org/blog/ashestree

I myself am a 30 year old post op transgendered woman. I could only wish that my parents had been so accepting of me. I also knew at 5 that being a boy wasn't what I wanted, and I remember it clearly. I would role play as female figures from cartoons with my friends when we played, things like that. I liked both.... I loved unicorns, barbies, barbie cars, pink and purple things, and I was always envious of my sisters clothes and things. At the same time, I loved transformers, hot wheels, and other technical/boy type things. Until I was oh, 8 or so I didnt have too many problems with my mother and stepfather, but I was always scared of my real father and my grandfather, for good reason. I was allowed to go out as Rainbow Brights unicorn for Halloween for a couple of years, which I liked better than any of the other costumes, but after that when I moved in with my father anything like that ended. I forced myself as a very young child to try and conform to the male stereotype ONLY. I got very good at it, and when one day at age 29, I told everyone hey, I just got back from Thailand and I'm female now, they all flipped. Only a couple of my friends and none of my family knew I was planning it. My father totally flipped out and would not allow me even at age 29 to see my two little half sisters, age 10 and 12, thinking that my 'lifestyle' was too much for them. That set off an argument through emails that did not end good. My mother refuses to talk to me, or even acknowledge me. My Aunt and Uncle are awesome however... I am working for them at their retail store part time right now. They tell people I am their niece, and never fail to say she, but it did take alot of conversing with them to make sure they understood about me. My aunt and I had some very heated discussions on whether or not I 'deserve' to be called a woman. lol. She seems to have come around.

I hope that this 5 year old finds his/her way without the mental stress I had to endure for years. Maybe by being open about it things will be actually easier for him/her. If he/she Is truly transsexual, then hopefully after careful consideration they can block any male puberty onset, which I can tell you is the single worst thing to happen to a MtF transsexual child. When my voice got deep I hated it, while at the same time trying to make it deeper so I wouldn't seem effeminate. I was lucky in that I did not develop like normal males, I stayed female looking for the most part, but for the majority of MtF's, puberty is not fun, and a disaster altogether. Finding out early is the best thing that could be done in my opinion.

Now that I am finally living life the way I want to be, its very easy to let go and be who I am. Who I am does nto conform to any one gender stereotype set. I still love butterflies and unicorns and feminine colors, but I still work on my own cars, fix computers, and like to compete sometimes. I am the same now as when I was little, just alot more complicated. :)

Anyway props on your open mindedness. **hugs**

This is a really interesting problem. We are actually talking about this very subject in my Sociology class right now. It goes along with the Nature vs. Nurture argument. This child's nature is telling him that he wants to play with girly toys and to act like a girl. And his parents are nurturing to his nature. This is the advice that we have learn about in my class. Many prominent sociologists agree that you should nurture a child's nature. They believe that if you try to raise your child in contrary to their instincts that it will cause a lot of confusion, resentment, and problems for the child. And as much as I would like to agree, I just don't know if I would be able to watch my son (if i ever have one) play with dolls and dress in dresses and skirts.

I believe as a nanny that you are responsible to raise the child as the parents would like you to raise him. So nature his nurture, I'm sure he'll turn out fine.

I have nothing to say. I can't offer you anything because I've never been in a situation remotely like that.
Maybe the reason he prefers "girly/princess" toys, the ones that conform to the damsel in distress kind of stereotypes is because that's just his personality. I've been in my school's GSA since I was a freshman, and the majority of my friends are homosexual or bisexual [comes with being a drama geek... you make lots of flamboyant friends ; ) ] and I have noted that some of the boys are more blatantly girly than others, just like some girls behave. They have different degrees of "girliness." Although this is getting close to comparing transgendered to homosexuals, which, as you said are not the same thing. For instance, my friends Dale and Milton (yes, I made those names up, but they're real people) I've known Milton was gay since the seventh grade. I dated Dale for a couple weeks when I was about fourteen and was suprised when he came out. His fabulousness was more covert because of his parents. But to this day, even though they're both out of the closet, so to speak, Milton is exceedingly flamboyant in all his endeavours and Dale more reserved. The same goes for me and my friend Sandra. She likes to shop, always does a full face of makeup and does frills and fluff 24/7. I don't. But we're both straight and both pretty in touch with our sexuality.
I think that it's just a personality thing. Some refuse to be the stereotypical damsel in distress homemaker, and some refuse to be empowered and take charge.

Interesting situation there. But it's the parents who set the tone, and they evidently know how they want to handle it. Presumably they also know how to tell the grandparents to go take a hike, and how to say "Ediblewoman has been great for all our kids".

All I can say is, if the kid and the parents will accept it, try to make him into the best little tomboy you can. Then he'll be ready for anything.

But I do think you may be overworking yourself. Don't blame yourself for something that's not wrong except by societal norms, and don't let paranoia overcome you with the raising of this boy. I actually know a couple of guys who did this sort of thing until they were 8, and they are straight, sports loving guys now. Although one I knew did continue this, and had a gender operation. However this was 1 out of 7. Have you ever seen the movie Bruno? If not watch it. Encourage the child as you would any other. Treat him as you would treat a girl when teaching him of these things. It is a matter of self expression-which is important in any lifestyle.

You mention a lot of Barbie stuff, and I would never expose a kid to Barbie either...maybe some good Dora and Diego videos and books? Dora acts like a bad ass little girl, rescuing her little monkey friend with a hug in one book, going on adventures, and all that good stuff. If he wants to be Dora and not Diego, then its not a big deal, its a pink t-shirt and shorts, but still adventuring and stuff.

"I will greet this day with love, and I will succeed!"--Og Mandino

Since his immediate family is so accepting, he has nothing to worry about. His family is doing everything right by him. This might be a stage, and it might not be. It doesn't sound like they care either way.
I don't think this really has much to do with you. I understand not wanting to promote the fairytale thing to him, but at 5, it's not necessarily going to stick, no matter what he does in the future. Bring up the feminist perspective later, if at all, and let his parents decide what's best for him for right now.
-Sonja :)

Oh, wow...You've had a LOT of responses to this, haven't you?

Anyway, the one thing that shocks me is that he's so YOUNG. I didn't realize that GBLT traits can show up in little kids, and I'm about as worried for his future as you and his parents, because he's guaranteed to be given a hard time by his classmates.

So...despite my shock that he's so young, I will reiterate the fact that he's ONLY FIVE. Now, as he seems to be/ is identifying with the female gender, I would like to point out that pretty much every five-year-old girl wants to be a Disney-style princess--Cinderella seems to be a major favorite in that age bracket--so his gravitation to that is only to be expected since he is just a little girl at heart. He's almost guaranteed to grow out of the princess faze--most girls do. I just hope he doesn't become a cheerleader. (Sorry, inside joke with my school friends. We hate cheerleaders. They tend to be bitches in our school.)

Seriously, though. you shouldn't be worried so much that he's gravitating toward the Cinderella-style female. That's just what little girls do.

Now, as to your other major concern...It really sucks that you're in such an awkward position and that you can't REALLY be yourself and do as good a job as you can in being a great nanny...Just because of those stupid stereotypes. Unfortunately, I just don't know what to say on that, except "Good luck!" I've never found myself in anything even remotely close to that position, so I can't really be of much help.

I believe that as long as you know you aren't to blame for this, it really doesn't matter what other people think about the way you raise this child. And if the kid likes dresses, you should let him wear the dress. Watching "Ma Vie in Rose" made me see that not letting these kids do as they please can be very emotionally damaging. If you haven't seen the movie, i highly suggest it! And kudos to those parents.

my brother and sister are 4 year old twins. their father (my ex-stepfather) is a total homophobe and so is his entire family. i happen to be a lesbian. i know first hand how cruel that family can be. any time my baby brother starts to play with or wear anything "girly" he gets yelled at. my mom thinks it is cute when he puts on our sisters dresses and heals and prances around like a pretty princess but we try not to let him do that too often because of the fear of how he will be treated at his dads house if he did the same thing there. i feel terrible letting him do it sometimes and then have the issue of what might happen to him and how he might handle being bullied and teased. i guess what i am trying to say is i see where youre coming from

That's a rough situation. I think it's equally important to talk to boys, girls, and everyone in between about feminism and female empowerment. I don't know how far to take that, necessarily -- I watched my share of Disney and read my share of fairy tales, and still turned into a raging male feminist -- but I really don't think that feminism/empowerment is just for womyn. Ze's just five years old now, and I know that hir's gender/sexual/personal identity is growing roots even now. If you can have conversations about issues like that which are at a level ze can understand, and continue that sort of dialog as ze grows older, you can hopefully help hir grow up into a happy, healthy person whatever hirs identity turns out to be.

Anarchism, Social Justice and Discussions about Beer and Sex at http://progressiveu.org/blog/against-the-system

People make too big of deal when something like this "happens". Let kids be kids, I think it's great you have that sort of connection with him. It's unfortunate the older generations who aren't so accepting. So sad.

Don't worry about corrupting your charge. Children are quite capable of deciding what they like on their own, and you wouldn't be able to force him one way or another if you tried. I can say with relative confidence that my babysitters did not turn me trans or bi- allowing me to play with what I chose was helpful, not an unfair shove.

As for feminist philosophy, you can recommend that in subtle ways. Showing "Mulan" instead of "Snow White" could be a good influence. Even "The Lion King," though far from ideal, at least occaisionally shows female characters in a powerful light. There's no real need to push, though - kids get it eventually on their own.

T.k.

what a shame.
:(

It's so difficult to distinguish between the behaviors that kids learn from others and the behaviors that truly define them as individuals. And of course, who's to say that in a couple of years he'll move on to new, more masculine interests? In the meantime, you are stuck being overly aware of everything you say and do for fear that you are influencing your young charge.

In the end, what is he really learning? Maybe he is perceptive to your fear and he is acting overly feminine to compensate? I can't pretend to imagine what may be going through his mind, but is it fair to you to have to constantly pretend out of fear? Shouldn't kids be able to recognize and accept difference in all people? What about his brothers - what types of behaviors do they exhibit?