On smoking

For the purposes of this essay, “smoking” shall refer to the inhalation of smoke from combusted tobacco. While it is true that in most cigarettes there are many substances besides tobacco, tobacco inhalation is the core of the smoking experience.

I am wholly and totally opposed to smoking. I have never been, and am not now, one who supports the restriction of a person’s private activities. However, it is a very rare thing indeed that smoking is a private activity, since nearly all private smoking episodes carry unfortunate public consequences.

First and foremost is the matter of smell. People who smoke emit a characteristic odor that is not just unpleasant, but altogether revolting. Smoking frequency, amount of time since the last smoking episode, and the tendency to smoke in enclosed areas are all positively correlated with the strength, duration, and ubiquity of this stench on a smoker’s person. A smoker’s hair and clothes are especially sensitive to the absorption and subsequent distribution of this smell. When a smoker enters a public bus, for example, it is apparent within seconds that a smoker has boarded. It seems logical that smokers are typically not able to detect the odor on themselves, for surely they would be horrified if they could. Would a person smear human excrement on his or herself, rubbing it into his or her clothes and hair, and then get on a bus, or go to work, or to class, or be around people they love? Perhaps. Surely there are people who do this, but the number of excrement rubbers in the world must be smaller than the number of smokers. I consider human excrement and cigarette smoke to be on equal par with regard to their smells.

Along with the problem of smell is the breath. It fascinates me that smokers are consistently willing to exhale a putrid, noxious fume, even when around other people. In general, bad breath is an unfortunate but forgivable product of many human activities, such as sleeping, eating and drinking certain things, or failure to take proper care of one’s oral cavity. But smoker’s breath is an utterly different phenomenon, on one hand because it is usually quite frequent, and on another hand because it is so very disgusting. After smoking, I gather that the oral and nasal passages are so consumed with the particulate remnants of the smoke inhalation (namely tar), that it must be very difficult to discern the nature of one’s own breath. Does this lead a person to the assumption that his or her breath is not so bad, or perhaps even that it smells fine? Any smoker who believes this to be the case is deluding him or herself in a grand and profound way.

Not only does the putrid scent of smoking pervade the smoker’s body, but the smell of the smoking object itself (whether cigarette, cigar, or anything else) permeates nearly every type of surrounding. The smell of a cigarette near the entrance to a shop, or a smoker sitting in the outdoor patio of a restaurant invariably wafts its way into the interior of the establishment. Would a person sit down at a café and casually place an open bucket of human excrement on the table? Even if the patron were sitting outdoors, such behavior would be totally unacceptable by restaurant management, though it is likely that the smell of the excrement would carry less far and consequently bother fewer people than a cigarette.

Second is the matter of second-hand smoke. The only thing I hate more than the smell of cigarettes on someone is the smell of cigarettes on myself. If I am around people who are smoking, even in a large and supposedly ventilated room, my clothes and hair will always reek. After one or two hours in a bar that has even a little smoking going on, my eyes burn and become red. What about my right to sit in a bar, listen to a live band, and not come out stinking? How often would you go to a club if you got rubbed with human excrement every time? Surely there would be arms of people crying that it’s their right to rub excrement on themselves and if non-rubbers don’t like getting sprayed from the sidelines, then they should keep the hell out.

I am more than happy about the Minnesota state-wide smoking ban and I give kudos to all the other states that have passed similar legislation. I am glad that the time is soon upon us when watching a non-smoking employee of a smoking restaurant suffer for an 8 hour shift every day will seem archaic and reminiscent of an early, ignorant age.

I understand that restrictions such as these must be taken in stride, and despite how much I support and appreciate them, I still don’t think they go far enough. The primary shortcoming to anti-smoking laws is their response to children of smokers. It is a tragic travesty that smokers are allowed to smoke in the home or in the car, with their children present. I fully support legislation that imposes harsh fines on parents who smoke in their home or in their car while their children are there, no matter how many windows are rolled down or how complete the ventilation system is. If a person is not old enough to legally purchase and smoke tobacco, then it should be illegal for him or her to inhale that smoke second-hand.

Third is the matter of health. I am not going to detail the copious evidence for the negative health effects of smoking. It is very well documented and is so numerous that it is hard to keep up. Lungs, heart, throat tissue, larynx, cancer everywhere, blah, blah, blah. This should not be news to anyone. People who think that the jury is still out on this matter insist on getting a new jury every time the same the verdict comes back. What possible motivation could there be for continuing to smoke in light of the obvious and very serious health effects (and the nauseating smell)? The answer, of course, is addiction. On this front, I will give total credit to the tobacco companies of the 20th century. It is truly amazing – and I’m not being sarcastic here – that a product was developed to be so addictive as to crumble a consumer’s ability not to purchase it, and that somehow this product maintained its legality. By some measures of addiction, cigarettes are even on par with cocaine. Wow! I don’t think that could happen today, considering the consumer protection laws that are in place (after all, look at ephedrine and the dozens of other over-the-counter drugs that are now illegal). A hospice nurse once told me that she can look at the face of a smoker of any age and gauge how close they are to death.

There is a saving grace to this frustration of mine. Smoking is ultimately self-defeating. Given enough time, people will stop starting to smoke by using their perception and intelligence, and the people who continue to smoke will all eventually die. By the way, if anyone wants to come over tonight, some friends and me are going to rub excrement all over ourselves.