So today, I feel really sick.... I mean I am seriously suffering from influenza. I should be in bed, but I have decided to come to school and after this pull my usual 8 hour shift. I noticed that as soon as I went back to work at Columbia University, after being forced to take a "two week vacation", due to technicalities..... I am starting to feel physically and mentally drained. I mean when I say drained, I just feel like I am unable to exert any other energy, except that of which is required. This in itself is pretty annoying and oftentimes, I feel as if I am cheated out of life. I mean I work 35 hours a week, travel an hour and some change to work every day and then have to do some type of homework or studying, I am also obliged to fulfill some sisterly, daughterly and friend responsibilities. Lets just say.... I am muy cansada (very tired in espanol).
Lately, I have been trying to answer some questions which I often raise to myself. The first one being.... "why are you working so hard?". The answers to this question vaires. Well for starters, I love being independent. I hate having to ask my mother or grandmother for money, because I am usally probed or simply told that they do not have it. Now dont get me wrong, my mother provides me with shelter and food, but other then that she struggles. My mother is a single mother, who works extremely hard. There is also the factor that working at Columbia is "the right thing to do", according to my sources i.e. grandma and mom. I mean I am now in a union and I have a permanent job. However, I feel like my life is literally being sucked out of me. I mean the hours are crippling (2-10), and I barely have time to enjoy any of the cool things my city has to offer. I miss time with my family, friends and for myself. I mean I have the weekends free, but they seem to go so incredibly fast. Quite frankly, I do not want to work at Columbia U. anymore. I mean its a great experience but I just hate it at times. I hate the monotony, I hate the fact that my mother thinks its acceptable to work 35 hours and be a full time student. I mean I abhor the situation. But more importantly, I do not want to be one of those 19 year olds who live no life, skip the developing process. I want to live, I guess the catch is I can not afford to live the lavish lifestyle I want......
So what is a girl to do? I mean I bring up this huge point, because today in class we were going over Ibsens "A Dolls House", in which the protagonist, Nora, decides to leave her husband and children. Why does she do this? My stance is she did this in an attempt to "find herself". I Oftentimes, I find myself discussing this idea of self discovery and how it is required and pertinent to living a healthy, bilssful life. This journey is not easy and is continuous. Only a few are able to say "I am me, I know me 100% and that is it.". The human mind is way too complex. Imagine living a life like Nora's..... based on the opinions and ideals of others. Quite frankly, that is no way to live. Imagine if one day, you doubted everything you knew like the famous 17t century philosopher Rene Descartes. What would you do? Unfortunately there is no answer to this question, however, there is solace in knowing that there is hope. So many of us suffer from low self esteems or feel inadequate in some way shape or form. This is seen in the success of books such as "The Purpose Driven Life' by Rick Warren or the success of figures such as Dr. Phil. Why are we so quick to believe and trust in the opinions of others? Wouldn't it be easier to formulate our own ideas? Again this is difficult to answer. Ultimately, I think the bases of valid opinions and ideas have to be set on a firm foundation. Sure, anyone can tell you how to live a better life, but if you do not believe that you are worth living a happier life, your attitudes will follow. The foundation is so difficult to build and can take a while. I mean it took Siddhartha six years of sitting under a tree to become enlightened. However, there is solace in knowing that this can be done, that situations are temporary and only you have the power to change them. This mentality is applicable to every aspect in life.... merely saying that I can do something, is not sufficient, I need to believe this..... My actions need to be motivated by this optimistic view. Now I am not saying that we should live a life by the Panglossian adage "that everything is for the best". No, we need to see the best in every situation. We need to know what we need as individuals. So as I get ready to leave for the job, I hate so much I realize that this situation is temporary and that I am destined for something great.
-LilyReyOfLigHt
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