If I hold on...

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
6:16 pm IF I HOLD ON

How did you get on my mind
You make my crazy, think bout you all the time
You’re not here, but I can hear you in my ear
Telling me thoughts that don’t seem so clear
Your like the devil ling’ring over my shoulder
You tell me don’t worry it’s over
But I can still feel the scars on my face
You can’t see them but they’re every place
It’s like they’re crawling all on my skin
The fear that one day I might give in
I’m young I have so much to live for
But you tell me there isn’t anymore
I shake it off but u wont let go
You make we wanna let go
Do you want me to let go?

If I let go I fall
If I fall I crash
And if I crash I can’t pull my self off the floor
But if I hold on
I’ll have to live
I can’t stand living with you at my door

I just feel the need, the need to run free
The hold you got on my conscience
Your keeping alive in my silence
You kidnapped my angel and kept her locked
Threw away the key, now she’s trapped in this box
It ain’t as simple as seein a therapist
I’m not on drugs, this isn’t some trip
But upon the horizon there’s a light shining threw
Then your cloud clouds up the bright and the new
I cry and I cry but the thought don’t escape me
I bang my head on the wall but all it does is bleed.
Do you want me to bleed?
Do you want me to bleed for you?
Do you want me to bleed til I can’t see you?

If I let go I fall
If I fall I crash
And If I crash I can’t pull myself off the floor
But If I hold on
I’ll have to live
I can’t stand living with you at my door

Are you happy now?
There’s a puddle of my blood at my feet
Are you satisfied?
That all I can claim is defeat
The numbness drowns out my pain
And I’m wandering blind out in the rain
Your suppose to be helping me
But all you do is kill me slowly, Because you can’t feel sympathy
If I rid of you I rid of me and I suppose that’ll have to do
So I say goodbye to me…and to you

If I let go I fall
If I fall I crash
And if I crash I can’t pull my self off of the floor
But If I hold on
I’ll have to live
I can’t stand living with you at my door

Suicide is a touchy subject, and one that nobody will bring to the open. I'm not going to lie, at this moment in my life I didn't really want to be alive anymore. I might have been my usual self on the outside, but on the inside I was numb. I wouldn't let anybody in, and I definitely wouldn't have let any one see my true feelings, because I was heartbroken and weak. Weakness is not something I wanted in my life, but I'm not afraid to tell the truth now, I was weak and heartbroken and miserable. But that was the past, and yes sometimes I do get miserable, but I've moved past a lot of road blocks in my life that I can look back at and I wonder "How did I ever make it through?"
I made it through because I had an outlet for expression, I could just write for hours what I was feeling, and It wouldn't matter if anyone read it. By putting my feelings out in writing, something tangible, and if it was tangible then I could tackle it. I'm grateful for living in a place where I can express my thoughts and feelings freely wether it be a website, a notebook, or just in song. What I'm trying to say is... no matter how terrible you are feeling, the only way to feel better is to express those emotions.