Today I found myself in an awkward situation as I witnessed the effects of the recession on a dear friend of mine.
In the fifth grade I met Cathy when she was involved in the horse industry, but since a divorcing her husband who brought over $250k/year to the table she was forced to move on to more promising business. Land development was where she turned in her time of need, and I doubt she would have had she only known what 2008 and perhaps a few years to come would bring her. Needless to say, the housing market is down, and though in the past I saw my parents suffer in real estate, I never imagined cheap houses to bring this much pain to an individual.
Knowing her for years, I have seen Cathy through her highest of highs and lowest of lows. I have seen her enjoy hand stand contests with her kids and I have seen her fall on her knees and sob from stress. I saw her during her divorce and through losing the love of her oldest daughter. I tried to pick up her horse business when she hadn't the time to sell. I was always there for her, as she had been for me since she became my trainer...and eventually like my mother. Through every hardship I watched her endure, through every tantrum and moment of stress, the one today was one that effected me differently. Today I felt her fear and pain, for I couldn't truthfully say everything would be all right. Today I didn't have the answer.
Her daughter and I listened anxiously as she restlessly went about her affairs, screaming in frustration. It was her typical panic mode: mumbling under her breath about how she how much she has to do, how she hasn't gotten anything done, and about how she doesn't have time for our little horsey games all while walking briskly about the house, cleaning up after kids and animals. We followed her outside to see what it was she wanted help with, but as usual she ignored our offer and proceeded to try to do everything herself. She leaped into her truck and peeled out, her racing mind tuning out our warning shouts that it was still partially attached to the flatbed. We heard her scream profanity from inside of the truck after she drug the trailer by the chains for a few yards. As she walked back to see what she had done, she burst into tears.
"I am sorry girls. But you don't even know what it's like. My life right now...everything has gone wrong. I am broke! I am going to die and nobody cares. Nobody cares about me."
Part of me felt sorry for her and guilty for coming to her stressed out over my financial problems. This summer I complained to her about my hopeless situation, blaming it on my decision to invest my time into trying to get the horse business to happen instead of getting a solid job. I remembered her telling me how paying for college was a minuscule crisis compared to the hole she has dug herself in. She assured me that I was stressing out over nothing and that I would figure things out. Considering her situation--owing hundreds of thousands of dollars to the IRS and being screwed out of $550,000 in a crooked partnership--my issues did seem little.
Yet at that moment everything seemed so laid out in front of me: if I eliminated my concern for Cathy's well being I would see a woman who seemed to have it all in the light of losing it all. Just like she seemed to have the perfect family before her divorce. Now there was no question of what would happen, and I now saw what she meant when she said that when the rich fall it hurts worse. I am sure she truly felt like death was near, and that nobody cared about her. Realistically, what it meant is that she would end up like 90% of America and be forced to "live within her means," as she wished the people who owed her money would do. I couldn't help but think of her recent purchase of a nice dirt bike and equipment for her son, or her plan to put a thousand dollar TV in her brand new truck, or her two starbucks a day. Yeah, at that rate, maybe it would be hard for her to "live within her means" but I couldn't help but feel like it was her turn to understand what life on the other side of the almighty dollar is like. Still, seeing the person I had always looked to and admired under so much pressure and fear hurt me. I wanted to scream, "I care about you!" and tell her that everything would be fine, but I knew that in this case money was the only way of proving that anybody cared, and in this case everything might not be fine.
I can't help but feel pathetic right now....I came running to my blog in tears after finding out my financial aid award was changed ( I lost $500 in a grant and a $1500 loan ) for God knows why and all the school has to say for it is, "You are currently
meeting your cost of attendance, and do not have any more room for
additional financial aid."
Just as I could dismiss Cathy's situation as being just like 90% of America, the school seems to have the same effect in making things sound fine. On a smaller scale, I saw myself in the same rut as Cathy's. It seemed like nobody cared about me. To tell me I have met my costs of my education and that I don't need more in the situation I am in right now seemed like a slap in the face, but that is what everybody is going through. Nobody cares that my bill for first semester estimates the year to cost $4,.000 more than what my award claimed, bumping me from barely-making-it to feeling hopeless about finding a way to pay. They'll comfort themselves in finding any way to tell me that I am not under any pressure.
If they only knew. If they only knew what it was like to go to bed every night feeling like a failure. To not know where to turn. Yeah, four grand isn't much especially when you compare it to Cathy's debt. And it isn't so much the money that scares me. I am not afraid of going into debt...I do have faith that college will be worth it. But I feel like I have made no contribution to paying for my education, that I had failed miserably at every effort to scrape up even pennies, and I don't see anybody who cares. Perhaps my parents, but they are broke too, making it even harder to lack independence. I wondered how people could make it sound like I don't have it hard in my situation. My parents are jobless, my dad can't qualify for unemployment comp, my mom is going to go bankrupt after my sister's gymnastics injury, and ironically my EFC managed to go UP. I have been advised not to worry about other people's problems but I already feel like the only person who will be able to help my family is me...and I am not even sure I won't end up on the streets myself. Meanwhile the basket I put my eggs into this summer (selling horses) lost me money, scholarship committees hate me, and despite having placed academics first my entire life I look inferior in the eyes of college admission officers. With money not even being half of what's gone wrong in my life I am starting to believe them.
As much as it just feels like nobody cares, I know what the problem is. Everybody is hurting for money. Nobody cares about other's financial problems when they feel that theirs are worse. I know I am not in as big of a hole as some, but I never imagined I would see America in such a position. I haven't even had my chance. I did everything I was told to be successful. I want to say that I am a good kid and shouldn't be going through this but I have to be realistic: the money just isn't there. It doesn't matter what's fair or who deserves what. For the time being, I am starting to think that maybe America is getting just what it has needed: a chance to "live within its means."
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That sucks that you took a risk and ended up losing. It's good that you feel responsible for paying for your education and don't want to leave it on your already struggling parents, but you're really not a failure. In fact, quite the opposite, you took a chance and decided to do something unique and creative, it might not be worth a lot of money but I think it's really admirable. It's also awesome that you understand Cathy's situation and how much it hurts to give up all those things she once had. It is a hard fall to take even if it simply puts you back with everybody else.It's like a CEO whose sent back to middle management. She feels like a failure for not keeping what she had and she also feels sad when she remembers how good it was.
But try not to feel too bad about telling her about your finacial troubles. You're struggling to do what you need to do at this stage in your life, she's struggling with what she's supposed to do at her stage in life. It's not the same thing, you know. It's not just about the money, it's about succeeding. And when you look at it that way, I think you'll see that you are succeeding, because you're trying really hard to do what you need to do right now. I know it doesn't seem like it when the money's not there but that's all that really matters.
Thank you...it makes sense that the money part might be smaller scale in my position but that as far as being successful its hard to measure value based upon the dollar. Its just weird being in this position...I can see it from different perspectives. Not to mention how much I love this person, so though I fear for my own well being its worse watching her go through this.
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I just finished school and know how tough it is. I still have not found a job. It is hard for me to hear my future sister-in-law complain about the money they are spending on having a baby and yet she makes over 90 grand between her income and her husband's. She gave me a cool twenty for a graduation present. I guess this made me mad but seeing this blogs opens my mind to the fact that she might not have money because they do not live within their means. The new iPhone, video camera, new cars, 500 grand spent on their new house, and new furniture for the house might be beyond what they can really afford.
Thank you for putting things in perspective for me. I guess the hardest thing to do is to live within your means.
That's what I started to realize. Its like...we can all hope for better futures and maybe even fear not having better ones, but its hard to even imagine having it worse than we already do. I would always get mad when Cathy would tell me I didn't know what it was like to suffer like people in 3rd world countries because I looked at the way she lived, but i guess the idea is that it hopefully makes us grateful for what we have no matter who we can compare to. Sometimes I feel bad for buying coffee when I could have donated the money instead or even given it to some homeless person....I guess its kind of the same concept with your sister. She'd like to spend 600 dollars on your graduation present but enjoying an iphone just was too irresistible
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