Forgiveness

I cannot hold a grudge. It absolutely amazes me that people have the capacity to maintain a friendship and then, the moment the other person messes up, they suddenly cut them out of their life forever.

I don't know why, but it's simply not in me to place blame on someone I care about. I feel guilty for being upset with them because I automatically assume they are consumed with a great deal of remorse. I actually concentrated on teaching myself how to remain angry (at least in public). At the end of my senior year, I was told I was by all of my friends that I was a doormat and that I needed to stand up for myself, so I did. An intense falling-out with my best friend (at the time) progressed into not only the longest argument I've ever been in, but the FIRST grudge I've ever held. This spanned the course of seven months to the ordinary eye; yet, I was probably only mad at my friend for two months (still the longest I've ever been mad at anyone), and after that, I was ready to call her and apologize. I wanted to talk to her every day. Ask her how class was. Ask her when she was going to see her grandparents. I even wanted to ask her how her boyfriend was, even though people THOUGHT he was the reason our friendship disintegrated (they were wrong).

Lately, I've been wondering if this is a flaw in my make-up. Why can't I just be angry? I can get hurt. I can get frustrated. But, I can’t seem to be mad. How am I supposed to stand-up for myself when I make excuses for everyone I know just because I don't want to hurt them back? I say things like "They had a rough day..." or "Maybe they thought I meant something else". I even blame myself with things like "I should have seen this coming." I know it's their fault. I just don't want to deal with thinking someone I care about so much would hurt me so badly. Finally though, I have come to a solution.

Standing-up for yourself doesn't have to be in the form of a fight. It doesn't have to be in the form of any type of argument. No, No. Having an honest and open conversation with someone can be just as effective. Mutual respect is one of the most important things to achieve in every relationship you have and the only way to do this is by acting in some sort of mature manner (like talking obviously).

My turning point this week was sitting down with a friend and candidly telling him how much he hurt me. And you know what? It worked. I know he feels bad about it. I know I got my point across. And, I know that I would have been distraught had our friendship ended over something he didn't even realized bothered me so much. So, maybe I'm a "pleaser." Sure. Maybe I like making people happy. But, in the end, I know I will accomplish one thing. No, no, no...Killing with kindness is not on my agenda. I am glad that I will be able to say confidently that if I love you and care about you and take the time to let you into my life...

I Will Forgive You. Always.