My grandfather was a classy guy. He was brilliant and the most stubborn person I have ever met. He thought he had met his match with me though. My grandfather was my hero when I was a kid. He paid attention to me unlike anyone else. Even though I was 8 and he was several decades older, we would have debates about everything. When we would watch Family Matters, we would debate the use of the "n" word for Steve Urkel. When we got to the nightly news, we would discuss how the world was going to h-e-double hockey sticks. It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
All throughout my school years, he encouraged me to get the best grades. I did because he told me to even when I wasn't sure why. I trusted him and he was right. There's certainly more to school than getting good grades, but he was aware of how those numbers open doors. Living in a small rural town doesn't provide a lot of open doors sometimes. Thus, if I could get a scholarship to a big city school, I could make it in life. That challenge that he gave me shaped the rest of my life. I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't fought for every A and B+. More importantly, through the struggles, I learned endurance. If I could conquer trigonometry and English class, I could do anything. And so could he.
He was diagnosed with prostate cancer my freshman year of high school. For four years the man battled to stay with his family. He wanted especially to see me graduate. I was the valedictorian. As he struggled through chemo, I battled high school courses and we both came out on top. In my speech at graduation, I honored him for pushing me every step of the way. The speech was for him and no one else. It was a powerful moment to say the least--I managed to find some way not to cry.
The crying came later when he died in the fall of my junior year in college. He was my best friend; of course I was going to cry. But I was glad that he died. We had already talked about how death is not that big of a deal. We are all given a finite amount of time to live. When it's over, it's over. He and I both knew that he was going to be with God. So, everything's fine.
As I'm writing all this, I'm realizing that these words just don't cut the mustard. I'm just not bothered by death. I know there's more than just this life and I look forward to it. This is all wrapped up in my religion, but it doesn't have to be. When I think for myself, I still feel the same thing. There is something larger than us and things that we can't understand or see. It doesn't matter that I lost my loved one. I don't even care if I get to see him again one day. I love that I had such a wonderful relationship with my grandfather. Therefore, it is in that sense that I did not lose any love.
,
I've had three men like that in my life. My grandfather, my father, and my uncle Sam. They have all pushed me to be the very, very best I can be. At times I failed them, but their strength has always kept me going when I fall.
The sanity within is overwhelming.
That's great that you had such a wonderful relationship with your grandfather. My grandad and I were pretty close, too. Every time he'd visit us or we'd visit him, I was enthralled by his stories. My grandparents led such exciting lives. And when I was little, he'd gladly and happily put up with all of my little-kid-annoying ways. He was the one who encouraged me to do whatever I wanted with my life, and was, in my early years, the good Christian example that helped me to become who I am today.
When he died of brain cancer, I knew he was going to be with God. I wasn't sad. I was happy that he wasn't suffering anymore. I was happy that he continued to live his life to the fullest, all the way until the end. I didn't cry, because I know I will see him again, and I know he wouldn't have wanted me wasting my time moping around because his time was up. He would have wanted me to be following his example and experiencing all that life has to offer. It's partly due to his influence that I'm coming out from under the rock I've lived under all my life. I want to experience the world he lived in.
And that's comin' at ya' from yer local redneck hippie.
--
The Story of Myself
I haven't been as close with my grandfather, but I still must say that I never stop enjoying hearing his stories. Him and my grandmother had 9 kids (my dad is 7 of 9) so there are plenty of stories to tell. I know he wasn't always the greatest dad or grandad, but he has lived an amazing life so far. And to top it all off he and my grandmother (who died 2 years ago) decided to donate their bodies to science when they pass(ed) away. A courageous ending to a tremendous life.
I'm sure your grandfather was also a fantastic person and that he meant a lot to you. He must be looking down on you and smiling :)
I have a feeling that since my grandfather is with God, he isn't looking back down at me. He knew I'd be fine. There's a funny story to this....
You see, I went to UNC-Chapel Hill--home of the Tarheels. My grandfather had gone to NC State and later Duke, both rival schools to UNC. The only complaint my grandfather ever made about me was that I chose the wrong school... I went over to the enemy ranks! However, unbeknownst to the both of us when he died, I'm going to Duke for grad school next year. They happened to be one of the best for my field. So, if he could see me, I'm sure he would make some sort of sly comment about how I'd reached perfection or finally gone to a "real" school. : )
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
I'm glad that you had a good relationship with your grandfather. Even though he is gone he is still with you at heart and you still have those memories that no one can take away from you. Although you can't form any new ones it makes the ones you have that much more important.
I didn't have the chance to meet my grandfather on my mom's side. Yet I feel close to him. I have his eyes my mom told me and it is weird to say this, but I miss him even though I never meet him. He died a year before I was born. I still believe that I was some what a replacement. Like I was born because he died.
I like your positive outlook and I feel the same way. It is just some what harder to let go of my mother because I watched her die slowly for a year. But life is what it is the good and the bad. Thanks for sharing this it was great!
http://www.progressiveu.org/032913-lupus-uncureable-wait-what
Love comments? I do too!
I don't think it's a matter of getting over your mom being harder. I'm not trying to trump you or anthing at all--I watched my grandfather struggle to stay alive for six years. It was agony for my family. Most of my family members haven't gotten over the pain even though it was over two years ago that he died.
If I can come to a sense of peace about my grandfather, you can have peace about your mom's passing. I may not know you that well, but I know you're strong.
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
I am thankful that I haven't lost any loves one that close to me but after reading your blog I do realize that everyone does have a calling whether we like it or not. I know how it is to be stubborn. Not like your Grandpa of course but I am working on it.
As I was reading, I found myself devoured by your nostalgia, thinking that this was going to be a flashback. I was deeply wrong. Not only did you characterize the importance of motivation to your education, you shared with me, a great epiphany. Though it might seem presumptuous to say, you deserve the five-star rating you have received. Thank you for a great read, and I wish you the best of luck in life.
I still have not reached this sense of acceptance from losing my grandmother three and a half years ago. I was close to her in the same way as you and your grandfather. She taught me so many things that at the time I just considered child play but I am now realizing to be lifetime lessons. She was a pioneering woman in a deep south insurance company, becoming a top seller in a competetive and male dominated company. As a young child, I developed a pretend company, M & M everything, and had employees, departments, merchandise, the whole nine yards. She was the president and i was vice. I did everything right by the books, well, as right as you can at 7 years old. But I never knew the advice that she gave me with our imaginary store would follow me throughout my life. I stuck with that store for years, until eventually growing out of it.
My memaw died on christmas morning in my eighth grade year. She was very sick for about 2 months leading up to that, and it was her time to go. We had told her she was very special, and that Christmas morning would be a special time to go. Indeed it was, and she was, and still is, and I will never forget her. The moment I walked in to tell her merry christmas, she drew her last breath. Many of my relatives say that she was waiting for me. That thought comforts and saddens me at the same time. Although much time has passed, it still doesn't quite feel that she has truly gone. I feel like she is just on a long vacation, that soon enough I will be seeing her again, and it never has set it that I wont be. Of course I will, we will be re-united, but I mean earthly. Maybe that is the way it is intended to be.
You can learn to accept it-- just keep living life.
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
I have never lost anyone that personal. I lost my uncle (my mom's sister's husband) and he only visited America twice and those were the only two times I saw him, yet I couldn't stop crying for him either.
I am glad you got to have a good relationship with your grandpa. Unfortunately, both of mine died before I was born so I never had a chance to meet them though I would have rather had your experience than mine because my parents always talk about how I would have loved to be with them.
I have a very ill grandma who I love to death. She is my father's mother. Now she is young (in her early 60s) but unfortunately has fallen very ill. She was the life of the party. Whenever she'd visit me or my cousins, she would start the conversations with the adults and made every one smile. She used to teach me how to cook back when she was capable. Now she sits in a wheelchair and can barely speak. I feel as though I don't even know her anymore. Writing this comment i brought tears to my eyes remembering all the days she brought me joy. I haven't lost her and I don't want to but I hope God will end her suffering with medications and immobility. So i can say maybe i am going through your experience now.
There's more on the other side past all the pain and heartache. I know my comments sounds cheesy, but it's true. I'm confident you'll be on the other side of it all one day.
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
Thanks. It doesn't matter how your words sound, its the fact that you're trying to make someone feel better. I appreciate it.
The relationship that you had with your Grandpa was amazing! I had a similar relationship with mine up until his Alzheimer's disease really took him over. He just died Saturday but he couldn't even remember me anymore in the last month of his life. It was and still is really sad but I know he's better off where he is now.
Sounds like you're coping well. I felt similarly I suppose when my grandfather died. For 3 months, I was actually fine. However, when it came time to celebrate our birthdays, (ours were 2 days apart) I lossed it. I cried harder than I ever have. I had a friend there with me who had recently lossed his dad and that made all the difference.
Maybe you'll be fine, but you do have a rough day, find a friend to help with some perspective.
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
i love that blog. i agree with pretty much everything you said except not caring if you see them again.
i lost my grandma when i was in the 9th grade and it was one of the hardest things ever except i had already told her goodbye and let her go before she even died.
she had brain tumors and for the last few months of her life she didnt even know who i was. while that hurt it also made it easier to deal with her death.
but i still want to cry when i think about her. like now.
thatgirl2089
Crying's not bad. Sometimes you just have to release all those emotions will a good cry.
When I say I don't care if I see my grandfather again, what I mean is that I want to, certainly, but that it just doesn't matter if I do. I loved him so much that that love is a enough love to carry me forward. I don't want to live my life expecting to see him when this gig of life is over for me too. In my opinion, expectation messes with my head. I try not to expect things.
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
I know crying isn't bad. I actually kind of do it a lot. Well not a lot but im not always affraid to show my emotions i am human.
but now i completely understand what you mean. and now i agree.
thatgirl2089