Today group therapy was the hardest it's ever been. Our torture of the day? Looking in a full length mirror in front of everyone and describing what we see.
Oh, God.
When Maira told us what we were going to have to do, I started feeling really anxious and like I was going to throw up. I thought breaking the mirror would be a nice alternative to the scheduled lesson plan.
Of course, I look in the mirror all the time to critique myself, do body checks, and basically just lower my self esteem. Do I ever do this in front of other people? Um...hell, no.
So I looked in the mirror. And I started off just describing what I saw, factually speaking:
"I'm wearing a sweatshirt. My hair is the way it was when I woke up."
Very calm, fact by fact. It was all going well. But what would a therapy session be without me breaking down in tears?
Exactly.
So I was standing there crying, just saying how glad I was to be wearing a sweatshirt so I didn't have to really look at my body. But then I stared for a moment and started saying more positive things about myself:
"My eyes look really green right now."
"I have a nice smile."
...and after staring for a long time, I had a thought that surprised me. Even though I was wearing NO makeup, my ponytail had tons of flyaways and I was wearing the clothes that I was going to go to the gym in later, I said to myself "I'm actually kind of cute."
This thought lasted for about .04 seconds, but hey! I still had it. We also had to look in the mirror again and listen to "our peers" (their expression, not mine) say positive things about us.
"Angie, I love your laugh and you make me happy when you're happy."
"Angie, I love your spirit and your true passion for life."
Those are paraphrased, and I can't remember what the rest of the sayings were. I was hoping someone would mention my excellent dead arm impression, as it has become quite notorious in the HG. No such luck. Ah, well. Beggers can't be choosers.
Yesterday was mine and Nicola's TOP SECRET MISSION!!! It's so lame that they won't let us go on day passes together because they want to stress "independence". What the hell? We can go out with other people, but not each other? So while Nicola went to meet her friend Sherill, I "went to Encinitas by myself." Tee hee. I met up with Nicola and Sherill at Starbucks, where I managed to down a venti coffee before Sherill even finished her tall.
We were going to go hiking at this place like an hour away, and after getting into Sherill's death trap of a car (it's a jeep that doesn't have windows...it literally has this plastic stuff with a zipper above the doors), we got pulled over. I almost pissed my pants because I wasn't wearing a seatbelt; I was in the backseat and couldn't find the clasp for it, so I decided to just not where it. It turns out that Sherill was actually speeding and my little seatbelt snafu was not the reason we got pulled over.
We finally got on the road and made it to the hiking spot (or whatever the hell it's called). It started raining and I swear to God I had so many near death experiences during this death march that I won't bother going into detail. Let's just say by the time we got home, my pants were soaked, I had a huge afro, and it was dessert night. It was a nightmare.
I hate eating Saturday through Tuesday. Saturday and Tuesday are dessert nights, and Sunday's a challenge meal night. So for a bunch of days in a row, I consume more grams of fat than I used to in seriously 4 months. And for a while--after meeting with the nutritionist, etc.--started thinking (or hoping) "Maybe I'm really not gaining THAT much weight." But I was looking at pictures Aimee took before we went out Saturday night, and I'm like "Hmmm....forget the 'I didn't gain any weight' idea. Ew." Uck. And the weird thing is, I liked how the REST of me looked in the pictures. I liked my hair and my eyes and I looked in the neighborhood of slightly adorable. Extremely fat, but in an adorable way.
I started my online classes today!!! I logged in after waking up this morning and was immediately insulted by my basic keyboarding assignment.
"Answer the following questions:
1. What is your biggest concern with taking basic keyboarding online?
2. What is more important to you--speed or accuracy? Why?"
------
1. My biggest concern with taking this basic keyboarding class online is that my high school years consisted of 5 AP classes, all the Accelerated English courses available, a splattering of extra curricular activities (Student Ambassadors?? What the HELL does that even mean???), and actually APPLYING myself in school (well, at least until senior year) and all it gave me was enrollment in BASIC KEYBOARDING ONLINE!!!! Is that the answer you're looking for??
2. Accuracy. I won't justify this with a reason.
----
The only other courses with stuff posted was my Financial Accounting and Intro to Human Aging stuff. Which I guess require textbooks?? I was unaware of this. And I literally can't figure out how to navigate through the FA's website, so I'm scared I'll be dropped from the class because of that. I didn't realize that I'd actually have to WORK at these online classes. I should've just taken the semester off. Fuck.
We got a new girl today named Casey (who I deemed "C-Money" in group this morning). She's from Michigan (GO MIDWEST!!) is normal. She hasn't given off the vibe that she wants to devour me, so she's already light years ahead of Hilary.
We named ESM (Evil Staff Member) "___ Nazi" today. You can fill in the blank with anything you like. She's the Ensure Nazi, the Yoga Nazi, the We-Must-Spend-Exactly-30-Minutes-At-Each-Meal Nazi, etc. She's the only staff member that LITERALLY follows every single rule to a tee. Maira told us in group today that the staff needs us to come to therapy, etc. in presentable clothes and NOT in pajamas.
I HAVE NOT WORN PAJAMAS SINCE GETTING YELLED AT FOR IT!!!!! GET OVER IT!!!
And one day, Maira wants us to come to group looking good. As in dresses if we have them, fitted clothes, hair done, etc.
Bitch, please. At this point in my life, very, VERY few people have the privilege of seeing me look even semi-put together. And what the hell?? Aren't we here to better ourselves and our INNER BEAUTY and inner person and all that deep philosophical shit??? How is putting an emphasis on our appearance supposed to help my recovery, I ask you? HOW??
Ugh. And Aimee wasn't feeling well one day and was thinking of opting out of Yoga, and in group, Maira told us "Yoga is NOT optional. Everyone must participate."
To which Aimee responded "Um...I thought they were teaching us to LISTEN to our bodies. Wouldn't opting out of exercise actually be a good thing? Because Ed was telling me 'Work out! Work out! You're missing a chance to exercise!' But I didn't because I felt like crap."
Props, Aimee. Well said.
The upside to this is that ___ Nazi will be leaving next month and Adrienne and Megan--my two favorite staff members EVAH!--will be taking over!! Yayayayayay!!
But it's also around the time I'm leaving, so I guess it doesn't really matter.
I can't believe I'll be leaving in about 3 weeks. That is CRAZY. I still need to figure out what I'm going to do, post-HG. I have absolutely NO idea.
Which means I'll have to make a decision about something.
Shit.
